'You Must be 40% Mountian Goat to Hike This Trail'

We recently got a hiking book, (finally) which I have scoured through and marked all sorts of trails I wanted to go on from the safety of my seat in the food court. On the weekends, when faced with actually hiking these things, I have to take a minute and reconsider. All the hikes I really want to go on have these small sections in the description where they will use words like 'slippery', 'extremely steep', and 'eroding'. These cause some hesitation, because - it's me. If possible, I WILL fall off that mountain, and I do not want to be a paraplegic.

I keep putting them aside for when 'I've been working out consistently for a while.'

BWAHA HA HA! This means we will never go on them.

At the top of the ridge

On this particular day, David and I were feeling lazy, so when I came across a hike that was only 3 miles and 700 ft gain in elevation, I was so in.

Foolish girl.

Gently rolling at this point

Turns out that most of the hike is a nice, gently rolling stroll.

Then 1/4 of a mile is heart attack inducing.

Hi! Lily was having a good time.

After we got back, I looked the trail up on the computer, and it is referred to as 'cardiac hill'. You start at the top of a ridge and go straight down the side of the mountain to the valley below, which as the waterfall ,which was the whole reason to do the hike in the first place. Isn't a waterfall supposed to be all zen and relaxing? Haven't these people heard of switchbacks?! There were rope secured in some places in an attempt to reduce the instances of death on the trail.

Rope insanity

STEEP. Wimpy leg muscles rebelling.


Going downhill is supposed to be the easy part. My defective knees felt differently.

I was just appreciating how much it was going to suck climbing back up when this guy came into view, puffing up the trail with a child on his back. And not a small kid either, I'm talking like around 4 years old. Holy Crap. I kept an eye out for him on the way back, just in case he passed out behind a bush or something.

The valley! I was so ready for a dip in that pool.

The lower falls


Once I got this far in, I was less sure about that dip I had been dreaming about. In the time it took to take this picture, my legs went numb.

It took some serious mental hype to actually jump in.

Dang, I'm not going to be mistaken for a local anytime soon.

Insert Hawaiian luau music here

What am I doing? Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto! Also, I kind of look like those Sobe

lizards dancing 'Thriller' on that commercial I hate so much.


Once there, we just kind of hung out and relaxed, played in the water, debated whether the rope swing would kill us if we tried it, had some snacks, and did some sunning. We were practically alone most of the time. Of course, I used this time to do nothing, and only broke out the camera right when we ere leaving and a Hawaiian Horde descended upon us. Oh well.

This dog and I were having a moment. I like taking overexposed photos, apparently. I tried to get Lily up there to recreate the moment, but she was having none of it.



Lion King! It's the Circle of Life, Bitches.





David jumping from way too high. Hello life support



He apparently was thinking the same thing, because we had to wait a while. Here we are, waiting for the jump. Lily is attempting to sit in my lap on a rock, bc she is freaking cold. And miserable, as you can see.

Trying to get a shot of all three pools - failing miserably.

Top Waterfall

Flows down into this middle pool

And then ends in the pool we jumped into.

Going back - LAME. Look at all the ankle-twisting opportunities!

Adventure Dog

What trail?

I kept trying to take pictures to show the steepness of our hike, but to no avail. Someone invent a 3D camera, already. I started checking on how the picture is going to actually look by closing one eye and looking through the viewfinder. Less than impressive. Also, as you can imagine, lack of depth perception caused a little bit of stumbling and almost falling over. I never learn. Other hikers probably thought I was drunk at 11 am. Classy.

Even Lily looks exhausted

Hiking out - excited. Insert usual incline whining/sarcastic remarks here.

Treacherous Roots. We call this a Tifftastrophe Waiting to Happen.

Top. Tired.

Pretending we take a jaunt like this everyday before breakfast!

Reality.

I loved this tree. Even exhausted and starving, it was worth stopping for. It looked like God had reached down and twisted it like a candy cane. I tired to get a cool picture of the bark with only partial success.

I had taken 5 pictures when David said, "You can stay out here alone and gnaw on your new best friend for sustenance, because I'm starving and going home."

Walk along the ridge back to the car. It was really beautiful with the mountain range in

the background, but you can't even see it in the picture. Phooey.

All in all, it was a lovely hike, at least in my memory. While hiking the trail, I was probably not so generous. But the cascading waterfalls at the end were definitely worth it.

Self Control is Overrated

So, I succumbed to my sweet tooth yet again, and this week's food experiment is another sweet thing. I promise, next week will be a non-dessert item. I am just more interested in desserts - they are so much more creative and interesting! Well, to me anyway. And guess who's in charge of this little shindig?!

So. Donut Pies. As soon as I saw this, I knew I had to try it. I mean, really?! Houston, we are at Awesome Level 10.

The day I had slated this cooking extravaganza to take place was also our weekend hiking day. On the way home from the hike I turned to David and said, ''I'm freaking starving. If I have to go home and eat half a chicken breast, there is going to be unpleasantness.'' So we stopped at one of my fav burger joints, Burgers on the Edge, and shared gastronomic nirvana on a bun. Since this was in the same shopping center as the grocery store, I figured, two birds with one stone. I hate leaving the house.

So I know it wasn't my good looks (I was currently makeup-less, bedraggled, and smelling like an ox) that got the checker boy's attention when he asked me if I was making a pie. I replied, 'Um...kinda'. Of course, he wanted to know how you 'kind of' make a pie, so I told him the donut pie idea. He promptly told me when he was getting off, and said to feel free to stop by and let him sample the outcome. Several times. Men. Will Do Anything For Food.

Here you can see my 'ingredients' - basically, I picked up everything pre-made from the store. You could (and probably should) make everything yourself from scratch - the filling, the dough. But I don't have time for this measuring, mixing, and punching down, and whatever else you need to do to make good dough, because I have no idea what that is. Also, lots of dough recipes can really suck and you know what? Pillsbury has already spent thousands of dollars and employed food chemists and bakers to come up with the best possible outcome. In Pillsbury I Trust. And it's pre-rolled! How can you resist the convenience!? Besides, that flaky goodness needs to get to my mouth as fast as possible.

First, cut dough into 3 - 3/12 in wide strips. The recipe says 2 1/2 inches, that that is apparently for the people who like all the inner goo goodness to come leaking out all over the place.

Now the good part: fill with deliciousness of your choice. I went with apple (classic) and a cherry filling in honor of David's dad, who loves cherry pie filling. Apparently his mom sent him to bed every night with a can of cherry pie filling and Dr. Pepper. I told my mom this and she just about had a heart attack.


Yummy, gooey apple pie filling. You know you want some. If you end up using canned pie filing, be sure to taste it! I am constantly doubling spices in recipes, or adding them to things - this needed a lot of cinnamon. What is up, food industry? Bring it on! We can handle it.

Carefully pinch it closed. I was having some serious difficulty getting the seal to actually seal. What do you want from me, dough!? Just work already! Convenience Level: -5 points.

A more artistic shot of the sealing process. Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of yourself in the process of cooking? Very.


First finished DP! Hopefully will not disintegrate upon frying.

Cherry with a stripe of cream cheese. Because David loves cream cheese.

Now we were getting to the part that makes me nervous.

I pretty much never fry anything. It grosses David out, and that's not really what I'm going for when I serve him a meal. Personally, I will eat just about anything if it is fried and covered in cheese. And bacon. With Ranch.

MMMMM

But he prefers to plan on living past 60. Hopefully David will make me a better person, eating-wise. As I'm getting older the good genes are petering out, and I can no longer eat a pound of fried chicken and still go flouncing around in a bathing suit without some embarrassment. Of course, I am making things like these, so apparently enlightenment is still a ways off.

Anyway, the point being I'm pretty ignorant on how to fry things; there has to be more than 'heat up oil - throw in food'. Turns out, there is! *beware - quick learning moment. Skip next paragraph if you don't give a hoot.*

Whenever you fry things, there are always crazy amounts of bubbles. I always wondered what on earth was going on in there. In an extremely paraphrased explanation, as soon as the food hits the oil, it starts to steam, which creates those bubbles. As the steam exits the food, it moistens the outside, and allows the food to keep cooking properly. If the temperature is too high, the outside of the food sears shut, and the steam cannot properly escape, which screws everything up. Also, of you cook too long and no more steam is escaping, the oil starts to rush into the food, making it heavy, soggy and greasy. So, be sure to keep your oil at a constant temperature when frying these, preferably at 325 F. And don't over fry to avoid heavy nastiness.

Class dismissed.

Chopsticks work surprisingly well.

Donuts Pre-Glaze

Ok, after the frying and draining stage there is a big gap because I was Decorating, and I got too excited to actually stop and take a picture of the process. It isn't that interesting anyway. It's the outcome, not the journey. At least in pastry.

In the spirit of being a lazy ass, I used canned frosting. Just plop it into a shallow dish (I used Tupperware) and nuke it in the microwave for 30 seconds to get it to dipping consistency. I did a few normals ones, but then I started playing around by adding in cinnamon for the apples donuts, and cherry goo for that lovely pink color.

So, starting in the left hand corner, we have: apple DP with vanilla frosting a fruit, apple DP with cinnamon frosting, Cherry DP with cherry frosting and sprinkles (!) Cherry and cream cheese with vanilla, and cherry with chocolate and cherry glaze. Be still, my soon-to-be clogged heart.


Donut Pies Dissected

I barely got a picture of the plate, because after that there was this giant snorking noise, and all that was left was a few mangled pieces leftover donut. We declared this Extremely Delicious. The flaky, buttery crust mingled with the warm fruit and sweet icing was a fun handheld treat. Due to the extreme simplicity of these, this could be fun to do with friends, or even kids. If you pureed the filling you could probably make mini ones so your kids don’t go into a diabetic coma. Get creative! Have some fun!

Donut Pies

Ingredients:
· Pie Crusts (1 store-bought box yields around 6 decent donuts)
· Pie Filling
· Canned Icing
· Sprinkles/Decoration

1. First, choose your favorite pie crust recipe, or cheat like me and use a pre-made one.
2. Next, decide what your filling would be. For a good filling, you can mix one ripe banana, a small amount (1/4 cup, adding more to desired thickness) of heavy whipping cream, and 1 tablespoon of brown sugar, and two pinches of cinnamon. Mash it until it is incorporated, but still a little bit lumpy. You can fill them with just about anything you'd use in a pie though. Let your filling sit to the side.
3. Roll out your pie crust, and then score into strips. The strips should be about 2.5 (I say at least 3) inches wide, but as long or as short as you'd like. The length will determine how large the donut's circumference will be, so if you like mini donuts, keep them shorter.
4. Lengthwise, spoon a small amount of filling in each strip. Be sure to leave a small gap of space at the top and bottom of the strip.
5. Fold the crust over the filling lengthwise, so that you have a long, narrow, filled "log" of pie crust with filling inside.
6. Form into a circle.
7. Since we don't have a deep fryer, we filled a saucepan with about 3 cups of canola oil, or until it covers the donuts, set to med high heat. Once hot, gently place the donuts one at a time into the pan, frying about 3-4 minutes or until golden.
8. Gently remove from frying pan and place on paper towels to blot excess oil.
9. Garnish as desired: with additional fruit topping, whipped cream, ice cream, or for a more donutty look, chocolate icing and sprinkles or swirls. Yum.

Parents: The Death of Trust

Happy April Fool's Day, Everyone!

Even though there is a pretty good chance no one will look at this blog this week, much less today, I am going to delude myself and write a fun April Fool's Day story for my imaginary readers. Mainly because I'm on the phone with this Senior Citizen who will not stop telling me her medical sob story, even though I've told her I cannot help her maybe a 20 times, we are now on like the 5th iteration. So I know I have approximately 7 1/2 minutes to bang this story out.

First, I have to set this up. If you've known me for a long time, you know my Mom is kind of... eccentric. One of the things she used to be nuts about was making us eat healthy. I know, crazy! When I was a kid, for Christmas I would ask for a box of Rainbow Brite cereal, which I think had some sort of marshmallow bits in it, and therefore was Awesome. I knew I would never get it otherwise. Similarly, my sister once had to be picked up from a birthday party because someone offered her a chocolate chip cookie, and since she never heard of chocolate, she assumed somone was trying to make her eat bugs. She didn't stop screaming until Mom showed up.

So it's April 1st, 1986? Or something? Who knows. Somewhere around there. Anyway, Mom announces we are having hot dogs for dinner. Hot dogs?! I am so excited, I probably wet my Big Girl Pants or something. We NEVER get junk food. So, it was with much happy anticipation that I seated my trusting self at the dinner table that night. And there they were: the promised hot dogs. I picked mine up, admiring it's meaty glory, and closed my eyes, and, pretending I was on a sunny picninc in the park, took a big bite.

And nearly threw up.

Mom had painstakingly slit open each hot dog, and scooped out all the meat, leaving a meat....shell. Which she then filled with peanut butter and placed, slit side down, in the bun. I don't think you can grasp how exceedingly disgusting peanut butter meat shell dogs can be.

While Courtney and I are having a culinary fit, Mom was gleefully dancing around the kitchen, cackling and shouting, "April Fools!"

I don't think I ever trusted her in the same way again.

Imminent Doom

It's time to reach back in the Vault of Yesteryear and entertain the masses with something I did about a year ago, as you will be able to tell from the pictures. Sadly, my sis and bro have not made it back out for a visit, because they are busy being Responsible People. I have been meaning to post this for a while - I was actually hanging on for dear life when I realized, 'this was going on the blog'. I have never posted, bc I have crap for pictures, but I have now given up on Courtney ever getting me her pretty ones, so here it is. I love her, but getting pictures out of Court is like trying to pry a penny out of Scrooge's hands.

On this particular Saturday, we decide to go on an Adventure. The plan was to rent kayaks and go see a small offshore island way up the east side. I was excited, because I love going places we don't normally trek out to, since they are so far away. In the future, I will ask more questions before I blindly agree to things.

I should have known from the start to be wary, as things got off on a good foot...barely. Ever frugal, we realized it was cheapest to take kayaks out ourselves instead of getting them delivered. However, after finally lashing them to the roof of the car, we had to stop. Paul was hungry.

Paul is ALWAYS hungry. It is amazing. Watching Paul has made me believe that I won't be able to support sons, and I have started praying for girls. The amount of food he consumes...there are no words.

Anyway, we in the process of pulling into the drive-thru when I suddenly sit and up scream 'WAIT!'

If you are my mom or Krysten Ivy, you are probably laughing because I started shouting instructions once before in a car, when I was 12 and thought we were all about to plunge to our deaths. Turns out, not so much. Mom never let me live this down. But I am finally vindicated, because this time I saved the car from some serious unfortunatedness. Apparently, due to his imminent starvation, Paul had completely forgotten about the kayaks on the roof, and we were no longer going to fit under the drive thru entrance bar. His car was about to become a tin can. Enter Tiffany's Fortuitous Warning. Ah ha ha ha! So I saved the day. Everyone was kind of surprised, including myself.

Such a cognizant thought is so unlikely coming from me, I have come to the conclusion that the Lord was watching out for us, and poked me in the head to alert everyone. Seriously.

It looks so small and innocent, doesn't it? Deception.

Disaster averted, we headed over to the island, which is called Chinaman's Hat. It was here that I barely survived Disaster #2, which was falling to my death. Oh yeah.

It started out innocently enough:
- Noodle arm workout, so by the time we had walked the 50 ft from the car to the beach with the kayak, I was done? Check.
- Kayak with David which required miscommunication and some yelling? Check
- Snorkeling in freezing ass water? Check.
- Almost twist ankle on rock/coral/air? Duh. Check.

Kayaking out to the island

It was at this point that I was feeling significantly outdoorsy, and I could shut myself inside with a book again and not feel guilty. In other words, Tiffy is ready for some Coldstone. (I LOVE Coldstone. Come to me, oh blessed Cake Batter, for you are the manna of heaven) Ahem. Anyway.

Hi Court and Paul!

So, my bubble of outdoor kumbayah was immediately popped by Court, who announced that we will be climbing to the top. Um, what? They went first, so we could watch the kayaks, and I could see if they would come back unmaimed. A hour later, they were back, looking thrilled and windswept. They were still alive, so I figured, 'How hard can it be? If my sister, of whom I have vivid memories of throwing a fit every time our family went hiking, could make it, so could I.' Sadly, my brain decided to omit the last 5 years, when Court went crazy and had a Personality Replacement, during which she switched majors to Park and Tourism Sciences, and actually had core classes called 'Kayaking I' and 'Backpacking Science'. Also, Paul has been raised outdoors, and David's been backpacking in the Oregon mountains, or something. Somewhere in the upper left part of the US, anyway.

So that leaves me.

Ankle Twister Extraordinaire.

I cannot describe the next 1? 2? hours. It felt like a century. Please note that I soon discovered there was no actual trail. BECAUSE SANE PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS. Apparently you just kind of aim for the top and start scrabbling. Please see the diagram below.

I am so pissed - I spent a while on this, and I can't even load it big enough to be legible! Arg!

If I wasn't focusing on sliding off the extreme incline, which was happily covered in thin, sandy gravel, I was worrying about losing my grip and falling off a cliff to my death. There was nothing but grasses for dozens of yards surrounding the final drop into the ocean, so if you ever fell - hello, breathing tube. This entire climb I was inwardly pissed, and if I made it off this rock, someone was going to die. Probably my sister. I am pretty cool with the outdoors in general; camping, getting dirty, not a problem. Inclines, well, that's another story.

As you can see, at some point you quit fighting gravity on slanted gravel, and start going straight up. Let me access my countless hours of climbing! Oh wait, I used to live in a flat state where I considered any ground swell over 5 ft tall to be a hill. Somehow, I scaled the cliff, with some helpful coaching from David; I could just follow where he was putting his hands/feet. However, this did not stop the fun mental images my mind was busy creating and playing in slow motion of slipping and falling to my death in fun and interesting ways.

We were nearing the top, thank God, when suddenly out of nowhere this guy climbs around the ridge next to us and cheerily says hello like we were meeting on the street or something instead of a slip away from imminent doom. I kind of watched slack-jawed as he bounded to the top like some crazed mountain goat. Whenever someone is doing something slightly questionable (outdoors-wise) out here, it is always a whitey. When I get to work and we talk about our weekends, I've invariably done something that causes my coworkers to all stop and look at me like I'm nuts. They say I make them feel bad, because in the year I've lived here I've been more places than they have, or to places that they've never even heard of. One of them remarked that he didn't even know that it was possible to climb to the top of Chinaman's Hat. What is it about us transplants? You very rarely catch Hawaiians up on crazy cliffs.

Look at this! Where are my grappling hooks!?

So by the time we got to the top, I was tapped out. The view was amazing - gorgeous and sunny, on a sparsely inhabited part of the island. Sadly, I was not fully enjoying it because I was busy informing David that the only way I was leaving was via helicopter. He kind of laughed, and then realized I was being serious, and it kind of warbled off into some odd giggles. Ha ha, David! Make the call.

I can't even fake a smile at this point. Nice grimace!

Eventually I realized that I was going to have to go down myself. The horror.

To make things super-fun, the rocks are black, just like all the other volcanic rock around here. Black + Sun = Scalding. Like center-of-a-hot-pocket hot. You know what I mean. But that didn't stop me - I was all over those rocks like a starving man on a Big Mac during my extremely slow decent to the steep incline area, which was looking better and better by the moment.

I have to take a break from whining for a moment and give a huge kudos to the husband, who was ridiculously encouraging and helpful as he showed me where to put my hands/feet on the way down. Even though he was probably screaming 'DEAR GOD WOMAN, MOVE YOUR ASS - MY GRANDMOTHER COULD CLIMB DOWN FASTER!' all I heard were sweet words and amazing levels of patience. So here's to you bebes - you talked me off the ledge.

Literally.

I eventually made it down alive, much to my surprise. I was seriously having visions of my mom attending my funeral. I'm sure she's glad to hear I'm doing things like this out here. Love you Mom!

I wish I had taken a few pictures of the hike, but pictures were the last thing on my mind at the moment. Once I jumped over the last hurdle (which took a minute to work up to) I was safe. Flat(ish) ground! I love thee! Now that it was over, I was all proud of myself, and decided to omit the parts in my memory where I was a big sissy, and patted myself on the back. I was a climbing stud!

As I started to calm down, I got really shaky because my body had been pumping adrenaline constantly for like an hour and half, and returning the the regularly scheduled program was kind of a drag. Also, I was starting to notice my hands felt funny. Ouch.

OW

OWOWOWOW (revert back to being a weenie)

I had been clinging a little too enthusiastically to the rocks for too long - I actually burned my hands and got blisters.

Which was a perfect excuse to go easy on the paddling back. Gotta find those silver lings where you can.

*UPDATE*

Apparently I need to call Court out in a public forum more often, because she sent me the pictures below today. Hoorah!

Kayak Gangstas? I'm really not quite sure what I'm doing here.

This picture makes my butt look big.

Taking on Nature

Foreshadowing of the fun to come




How did she even take this picture?

At least someone had a good time.

Sea Booger (Snail)