I Am an Easy Target

It was a fun week of giving money unwillingly to strangers.

I used to see frail women power-walking down the street, clutching onto their purse for dear life while their eyes whipped back and forth like a caged animal looking for escape. I used to shake my head inwardly, and tell this person to loosen up and loose the Hobbes-esque view on society.

I now am That Person.

It all started a few weeks ago when, overjoyed by the thought of possibly not owning a couch that was plaid anymore, I went to the bank to withdraw some money for a new couch. After realizing that it would be ridiculous to ask my sister to carry that wad of cash back to Hawaii, I decided to go inside the bank and convert it to a cashier's check. As I blithely passed by a pillar, I was suddenly grabbed by a odor-enhanced man who had other ideas. After attempting to cause pain and thus escape (I tried to crush his instep - not a good idea in heels) I realized the opposite occured, as it just pissed him off and caused him to attempt to stab me with whatever he was holding against my back. Luckily for me, it was fairly dull and did little damage. Deciding I wanted to stay in one piece, I handed over the cash, and watched as my new couch jumped off the side of the parking garage. I was left to mop up a little blood and go in the bank to let the officer know I had been robbed. He said he would get back with me when they found it. I'm still waiting by the phone! Morale of this story: Don't attempt to cause harm unless you know what you're doing.

BUT at least he missed my cash I made recently from my cake business!

Sadly, that was remedied exactly 6 days later, when I was robbed for yet the second time. This time, however, at least there was no bodily harm. We went to the Dallas Museum of Art for the Live Thursdays - they had jazz in the atrium and are open late. We chatted with friends about our boutS of bad luck - they recently had spent the weekend with razor blades, attempting to clean off the mass of epoxy that had exploded on their car while driving behind a work truck on the highway. Lighthearted that I was not the only one who luck had turned her back on, we headed home.

The next day I got a call from my bank - I had been robbed AGAIN! Apparently, someone unzipped my purse, took out my wallet, cleaned it out, and put it back in my purse so I was none the wiser. Unfortunately, this time they did not miss the cake cash. With too much happening at once, I proceeded to freak out, which was not helped by the USAA bank lady as she made comments like, "Who spends $243 at 7-Eleven?!" After finally calming down, I headed down to Coaster - it was finally furniture day, and I was going to pick up my much-awaited stuff and be happy, by God. To fit it, I borrowed my dad's SUV which turned out to have way more features than I am used to. Everything went smoothly until I went to move my car to the loading area; I got in and thought, "I should really put down the seats for them" so I got out, closed the driver's door, opened the passengers, put down the seats and closed that door. At which point there was an ominous clicking sound and for one horrible, suspended moment I realized the car locks automatically and I had no way of getting in. So I decided to have a full-blown mental breakdown right there in the parking lot. I started pounding on the car and repeating, "Really?! REALLY?!" in a progressively higher shriek. Such was my mental state that it took me a few minutes to notice that all the commotion I was making had caused all the Latino workers to come out of the warehouse and whisper things to each other, probably along the lines of "What is wrong with that crazy while lady?" Gazing at my newly emptied-out purse, I knew rock-bottom desolation. Even if I had my purse, it wouldn't matter. I had no money to even pay Pop-A-Lock to journey out to the boonies and rescue me. Since my last car was totalled we just have one we share, and David was currently stuck in downtown Dallas, about an hour from where I was. Joy.

So, those nice guys from the warehouse spent 45 minutes trying to break into my car –bless them. They finally got it open, and all was well. And that is probably the only reason this story is actually funny.