Culinary Collapse

I got this advertisment out of the main newspaper in the islands. Something is very wrong when Spam is considered to be a wise choice for luring customers to your restaurant.

Nature and I Don't Get Along

I'm attempting to be healthier, right? So, that means more physical exertion - blah.

Man, I am one lazy bi-atch.

So this time, when Courtney invited me on a hike, instead of claiming some debilitation, I accepted.

We headed over to the Kailua side, which I love because it is much more lush, which is kind of lacking where I live. We trade lush for sunny on our side.

We hiked the Nuuanu/Jackass Ginger Trail - it was a great hike. It's hard to write about, because if you're lucky, nothing wacky happens on a hike. So I'll just let the pictures do the narration.

Well, there's going to be some narration - by itself, all this picture says is 'trees'. Boring.

This was the start of the trail, a fun little forest of what I believe are Cook Pines, which were planted by Captain Cook for replacement masts. Courtney is probably going to read this and have to correct something in that sentence.

Here I am inwardly laughing at this rope placed over a 'dangerous' part of the trail as I pretend to fall. (I'm good at that - tons of experience). Ha! Ropes are for wussies.

Here I am in the middle of the 18? 20? switchbacks it takes to get up the mountain. You can see the forest from the earlier picture above my head. I am currently sitting down to stuff ti leaves in my shoes, which were starting to bother me.

A place on the trail with a view of downtown Honolulu.

I love Banyan trees.

At the top of the switchbacks - it was tough going. As you can see, my dog is pooped. The second we sat down she decided to collapse.



The last leg of the hike to the lookout features a bamboo forest area. It seems that all good trails has one of these. Kind of like a playground in a subdivision. A must-have to be primo.

The final view. We have a picture with me, Courtney, and Paul in it, but I look like I'm having a seizure, because there was a group of Asian guys at the top who were enjoying the moment with some ipod tunes, and it was perched precariously on the cliff face. Naturally, Lily became curious and attempted to nose it off the mountain. Heart attack.


At this point, I am actually bleeding into my sock, and no amount of ti leaves on earth is going to help me. Every step felt like my feet were being attacked by microscopic weasels. Paul needed to get down as quickly as possible to make it to work on time, and I wasn't helping stopping every 1000 ft for replacement ti leaves.

Neither was Courtney, who was jumping into trees randomly while I hunted for leaves. What was crazy was that, somehow, BEAR CLIMBED THE TREE TOO. I circled her head for you, bc otherwise you would never see it. I thought Lily was going to end up in the doggie ER trying to figure out how Bear did it.

It turns out I am an old woman at the age of 26. All those switchbacks finished the job horseback riding started by destroying my knees before I got even 1/3 of the way down. Now, each step felt like attacking weasels, with a side of knee screws. Here I am reveling in the before scoffed-upon rope, with my Wilderness Crutch.

That gave me splinters.

We were planning on swimming in Jackass Ginger Pool (where Hawaiian royalty used to come to relax) but due to time-crunch, we had to skip it.
Personally, I didn't mind too much, because I was freaking starving. I didn't know what we were going to eat for lunch, but I was going to have a lot of it.

Right after I stemmed the bleeding from my feet.

Hang Loose, Brah

Well, I haven't written anything Hawaiiany or self-deprecating in a while, so let's kill two birds with one stone.

Surfing.

The quintessential Hawaiian pastime. Hang 10, shoot the pipe, cut loose……my mastery of the lingo is about on par with my actual talent of the sport. In other words, I don’t know what the hell I'm doing.

This is reflected in my board of choice - as you can see, it is one of those blue beginner foam-top boards. You see tons of toddlers out there on them. I have yet to decide if I like my board bc it says 'Hey! I'm old and I suck. So watch out and don't expect much' or if I hate it because it says 'Hey I'm old and I suck. What a stupid loser haole'. It goes back and forth.

Actually, since I'm so tall, my board is a little short, which makes surfing even harder. I personally have a problem with this because to use it, my feet have to hang off the back, further enhancing the look of Tasty Seal Snack for all those sharks out there. I just know they're circling.
So after my bout of self-doubt, I effect the 'ainokea' (read: I no care) attitude of the islands, and try to seem at ease and cool, only to end up looking like an even bigger dork before I even get in the water. See below.

To seal the deal, my first time out was a bit hard - I got up, at least. Well, almost. It's kind of doggie-style boarding, to be exact. The waves were small that day, ok!?

In the end I gave up and headed back in. I always get irrationally angry at nature while I'm out there. I can take a wave in the face, pushing me back over and over, only so many times. Imagine me on my beginner board, my legs in the air so I won't be eaten by a shark, looking really pissed and cursing. I'm not sure when this is supposed to become enjoyable.

I can't really stay out that long, anyway. My noodle arms are still in full effect, and you won't believe what a workout all that paddling is. David likes to point out that the reason I suck is that even when I'm positioned well to catch a wave my 'paddling hard' to gain momentum with the incoming tide is less than effective. As in nothing happens. Whatever. I think this is his badly-disguised attempt at some 'hard love' (aka mildly degrading) encouragement to inspire me to work out more frequently. But more than likely I'll just continue to be skinny and bad at surfing.

Maybe I'll try to videotape me surfing next time we go out - that would be pretty hilarious to those of you at home. Of course, we would have to use 5 hours of tape to catch the one time I actually make a wave in all of the other false starts.

In the end, I decided to retire to the beach, and needing to feel superior to something, I buried my sister's dog in the sand. Bear was less than pleased, but a good sport.

In this pic, you can see David heading out on my board in the background - Lily is not amused. He couldn't get up very well either, but that is probably because my board is way too small for him.

At least our whole family isn't a disgrace - Court can get up.

Outside of the water, I'm a cool surfer. I got a surfing scar during an outing so now I'm 'boss'. Or whatever. I'm still working on the lingo.