VACATION! Sorta.

David and I finally made it on an excursion to one of the other islands! Just in time, as I was leaving less than a month later.

We went at the end of April, so we were starting to feel the cash crunch of our huge moving costs back to Texas. However, we still really wanted to make it to Maui.

Solution? CAMPING.

Ha. You know it got interesting.

Adventure #1 was figuring out how to fit all our clothes, sleeping bags, pillows, and tent into two pieces of luggage. Yowza.

But we made it, and with extreme sleepiness, we picked up our rental car at 8:30 am. We needed some supplies and our camping permits, and not a whole lot is open this early on Maui. Except Krispy Kreme! muaha haha. I smelled a side trip.

Buoyed by fat and sugar, we went to the county office to get our permits for 2 nights of camping on the other side of the island. If you've never been to Maui, we were staying in the southern, less populated areas. I think the island could be divided up into the following regions:

• South/Hana: Hardly Anybody
• Haleakala/East slope: Absolutely No One
• Wailea: Rich Tourists/Retirees
• Lahaina: Everyone else

We were planning on spending our first two nights in the 'Practically Alone' areas. So imagine our delight when the ranger who was selling us our permits told us that they expected flash flooding on the south part of the island for the next 3 days. Joy! Our Vacation. I had wonderful mental images of being washed out to sea, or off a cliff. Perhaps both.

One of our planned campsites required 4x4 to access it, and it was a pain in the rear to guarantee a car rental equipped with it. I was so pleased that the correct car was waiting for us! Naturally, 10 minutes later when our 'check engine' and 'wrench next to crazy squiggly road sign' came on, I was suddenly less than pleased. So, we returned to Alamo and exchanged it for a non-death trap version. Perhaps 10 minutes after that, I realized that I had left our digital camera and video camera IN THE CONSOLE OF THE BROKEN CAR. Whoops. Back to Alamo!

This is me in front of Alamo, flashing the '3rd time!' sign. Cuz I'm cool like that.

We finally pulled away in a working vehicle with all our possessions and were ready to start vacation. Except you know it is never that easy with us. Care to guess what happens next?

a) It starts raining with the windows down, instantly turning the car into Eau de Wet Weasel
b) Tiffany twists her ankle on the dashboard
c) We wreck the car in slow-mo 10 minutes later and no we didn't get the insurance

scroll down.....

If you guessed C, you are sensing a vacation trend! Oh yes, there was some twisting metal.

Ok, not quite twisting metal, more like denting metal. No, I wasn't driving - you men can stop with the 'women drivers' thing right now.

David was actually driving, and we were trying to pull into a parking space. Neither of us even realized we were destroying the car next to us until it was almost over. Which I find insane. Those of you who have been in wrecks know that they are NOISY and cars are very SOLID. Somehow we managed to silently scrape the entire side of the compact below without feeling or hearing anything. It was kind of nuts. What is that car made of, aluminum!? We had no idea anything was going on until David dinked the side-view mirror of the other car. I was like, "David!" coupled with the disapproving Spouse glare/glance. Then I got out of the car and saw some serious badness.

Holy crap.

David was immediately superbly depressed. He went into the store while I moved the car and left a note on the windshield of the demolished one. I found him moping in the chips aisle. I can't blame him. I would be moping+crying, so at least he can hold it together. But we were going to have a Nice Vacation, damn it, so there was much cheering up and downplaying of the event. Our car just had a big scratch, so way to go Detroit! That thing was a beast. (Or some kind of Chevy)

It was only 11 am, and already I was ready for a nap. Alas, we only had 7 hours to get to our camping spot at Wainapanapa Bay! The road to Hana awaited us.

For those of you who don't know, the Road to Hana is this extremely windy, narrow road that threatens to plunge you to your doom about every 20 seconds. Also, there are lots of pretty waterfalls.

And I mean LOTS. Like, dozens. David and I have already kind of been played out on waterfalls from living on Oahu, so it was less spectacular than I remembered. Also, back then I wasn't the one playing chicken on the one-lane bridges when you can't see the other side. Fun! The constant drizzle was not helping.

The bebes!

This is the what the road is like - 3-4 hours of driving at 13 mph behind the retired senior citizens in the front who are about to bust out of their Depends.

One of the many waterfalls. No, I'm not looking up which one it is. Check the comments - that's what Courtney is for. Also, she is good at pointing out my many grammatical errors. :)

I love this picture, because this is the epitome of our entire drive. Twisty badness. I actually got nauseous, even though I was staring at the road the whole time.

We stopped and went down a side road to escape the insanity for a minute. It was very tranquil.

More falls... yawn.

David contemplating the tree reaching down to grab him

At the end of the road. Approx. 1 1/2 seconds before I snapped this pic, I slipped and fell, narrowly escaping ankle issues.

To get to the point to see the coast, you have to cross a bridge. Which, if you have amazing eyesight and can read the sign, has been condemned. It says things like 'Caution!' and 'Unsafe!' Judging from our luck so far on this vacation, we should have probably turned around. Did we? Ha! Of course not! Common sense? Me? Please.

I understand our insurance is pretty good.

Along the road before Hana there is this ADORABLE little cafe place. We picked up some homemade pineapple coconut bread, which was stupendous. When we got in the car and I remarked that it would be great for breakfast, David looked at me dumbfounded. It was gone 5 minutes later.



Little fruit and flower stands are set up all along the road. What is so extraordinary about them is that they are all unmanned, relying instead on the honor system. This amazes me, because it must actually work for there to be so many of them. Our society hasn't completely degraded in all parts, apparently. I thought they were adorable.

We made it to the campsite early, and thought we'd check it out before continuing on around the coast. This is Wainapanapa, a black sand beach with a neat cave.

Cave, duh.

Black 'Sand' Beach. Sand = Small Rocks

Do you see this? This is an atrocity. Freaking Hawaii and random things being stupid expensive. I mean, this is a CAMPSITE. We are obviously not made of money. I overreacted a bit, but I don't think the machine took it too hard.

Actually, this is a theme with us. For whatever reason, David loves to have coke on vacation. As in he MUST have it, forget the cost. Once, we ended up paying $15 for a coke in a restaurant.

True story.

David's little coke problem is going to bankrupt us.

Ha ha!

Ahem. Anyway!

Enough dilly-dallying! As we rounded the bottom of the island, the sun came out, FINALLY. Thank you, nature! It was much prettier .

This whole area is very pastoral - lots of open fields and cows, hardly any people.

We finally made it to the Seven Sacred Pools - which, actually, aren't sacred. It's actually called Oheo Gulch, but the guy who owned the land around it wanted tourists to come, so he gave it a cooler-sounding name. Which worked, apparently, because it is a main attraction and is always packed.

The series of waterfalls capped by the old bridge is beautiful, and needed to be captured by a better photographer than I. Oh well, this is what is you get.

David swam to the base of the falls - I cheated and walked along the edge. Which turned out to be a good thing, because David was having some serious issues climbing up out of the water. I was having some serious issues trying not to laugh.


He eventually made it. This is a pretty good pic of us. Way to go Random Camera Guy!

The falls. One of maybe 30 pictures. David kept being startled as I randomly darted off the path to the edge of the cliffs to get new angles. He was probably rightly concerned, given my track record.

Check out the tat.

View from above

After, excited by a guidebook, I made us trespass and tromp through brush to see the 'best sunset ever your life will never be the same'. See below. Pretty, but I'm not having the single tear overwhelmedness that I was expecting. Freaking weather.

David tried to seek Nirvana. It was peaceful, I'll give it that.

As we were driving back towards the campsite, I spent the drive silently looking out the window. I had been so excited to go on vacation, but this just didn't feel like vacation. It was too close to being like home. Even though it was still beautiful, Hawaii had become ordinary for me. It was feeling like we were out on a along weekend or something. I was experiencing an odd mix of feeling sorry for myself and apathy when we drove past an interesting sight.

As you can see from the pictures above, the beautiful countryside slopes steeply towards the sea. Every now and then, a house will be perched on the hillside, usually surrounded by cows. As we flashed past the countryside, I noticed a house with floor to ceiling windows, looking out at the hazy sunset over the ocean. It was a picturesque setting.

Then I looked inside.

Sitting in a chair, facing away from the wall of windows looking out on the ocean, was a man - his eyes glued to the television before him. I saw this and laughed a bit, and then felt quietly sorry for the both of us, who have apparently lost our child-like delight and appreciation for the beauty around us.

After this it got dark, and we came to realize that all food places close at 6 pm, for some ungodly reason. We found one tiny mart/gas station place that was still open, and began to scrounge for food. Mainly we came across frozen items, candy, or ancient spam musubi. It was a random assortment. We had no utensils or coolers, so... non perishable with no cooking required was needed. In the end, we ended up eating pita chips with hummus for dinner. Really.

Here is the view from our tent:

The ocean is so close! You know what else is so close?!

After we finished pitching the tent happily climbed inside and eagerly looked out the window to check out our view. What do you think I saw? Ocean? Palm Trees? No. I saw this sign.

Um, what?! We're sleeping next to a cemetary? No, practically on TOP of a cemetary? Are you kidding me?! I confronted David with this small dilemma, and was informed that moving the tent was not an option.

Later in the evening, the walk to the bathroom in the pitch black was fun, because inside I'm really 7 years old, not 27. Additionally, my teeth-brushing that night was punctuated by brief bouts of insanity with a side of seizures. It was not my best moment. The lights (as it quickly became apparent) would only come on when activated by a motion sensor. Teeth brushing doesn't exactly raise your heart rate. So, when they switched off due to my inactivity, I proceeded to have a coronary and flail about, trying to get them to come back on before I got eaten by a hawaiian zombie. There was toothpaste in my eyebrows.

Morning tent-face. His is pretty cute. You will notice there are no pictures of me.

Our tent!

In the morning before we left, we headed down to some really pretty freshwater caves in some grottos nearby. I vaguely remember the story connected to the caves - basically a queen ran away from her abusive husband, and hid in the caves. The king could not find her, but then he saw the reflection of her servant's feather fan in the freshwater pools of the caves where she was hiding, and so he found her and killed her. The Hawaiians have all kinds of heartwarming stories just like this one. The water probably turns 'red' at sunset or something. I'm not sure what we're supposed to take away from this. Aren't all the boring stories your parents tell you supposed to have some moral or something? Perhaps we shouldn't be too lazy to fan ourselves or something?


Bad story aside, it was really pretty. The light coming in through the plants was so green. The whole place was bathed in a verdant glow.

This is a spider lily. I love them, for some reason. I think it's because the whole plant is so beautiful, yet unmistakably droopy. I like the juxtaposition.

Down to the caves

After that little interlude, we had to drive back up the road to Hana, once again in the rain. David was frightened.

After all, he was in the hands of a crazy woman driver. In response, I asked who wrecked the car yesterday, and was rewarded wth some lovely silence.


Day 1 - Hana - Complete. Ahead: Running for our lives, we think.

The Wilderness is Too Wild for Me

This was 'Haleakala Day' in which we were supposed to see the majesty of the tall mountain. We spent most of the day driving up from Hana and then back towards the mountain and up a zillion switchbacks to see....

I'm looking off the top of the mountain onto the whole of Maui below! Can't you see it?!

A whole bunch of nothing. It was so cloudy the whole day, you could only see about 10 feet in front of your face before the clouds swallowed everything up. Thanks, weather!

You can go on horse back rides down the deserted side of the mountain, which I REALLY wanted to do, but in retrospect, I am so glad they were full. It would have been a total bust. These horses look pretty forlorn.
A pic just so we could remember where the heck we were.

The highlight of the trip came in an unlikely place - the bathroom.

I started cracking up right there in the stall. The other Japanese tourists in there with me cleared out real quick, just in case I was a crazy person.

I can't help but wonder what happened to prompt them to put up this sign. Is this an issue they have? Keeping the masses from drinking out of the toilet like dogs? Really? What kind of company has these signs in stock, anyway. Perhaps it is a silent mass-epidemic, people suddenly being seized with the need to drink from public toilets.

Local Flora

After a completely wasted day of driving and seeing nothing, we needed to head back down the mountain, over a bit, and then right back up to get to our extremely remote campsite. The road up that was paved was nearing vertical, and our car wheels would spin a bit and the corner of every switchback. We passed a sedan that had to turn around early on, full of laughing Japanese girls and a lone whitey. Then the road turned to mud. Mud 6,000 ft up. My palms were sweaty for the 20 minutes it took us to get to our campsite. David did some masterful driving along the stretch of hardly-used, insane dirt ledge that was passing for a road.

We got to our campsite, and I realized why it this spot was only $5 for a permit - no one else was going to come out here and check on you. Talk about desolate. But in a good way.

We had a couple hours until nightfall, and we had been sitting in the car ALL DAY - we wanted to go do something. Anything. There was a trail head at our campsite, and we figured if we hurried, we could do a quick loop that was a patchwork of a bunch of other trails. Maps, smaps. We'll figure it out with our Spidey Sense! Or Wilderness Wariness! Or something.

Trail Map!

So, we're going down the trail. Oops, we forgot to bring our flashlight. It's only 5 miles - we probably won't get caught in the dark......

It was very peaceful in the beginning - no outside sounds, only the forest. Since we were so high up, it was much less tropical and mush more forested. For the first time, I felt like I was on vacation - somewhere new and exciting.

As it turned out, we were somewhere very exciting.

We were walking on the path, and I was off taking a picture of something, when suddenly I heard what I took to be a boulder crashing down the mountain. I turned around to try to catch up with David for the umpteenth time, and I noticed that cathcing up was not going to be an issue, because he was coming back towards me with a weird look on his face.

'Did you hear that!?'

'What, the boulder?'

'That was NOT a boulder. It was large and black and had legs.'

At this point my brain is starting to point out just how far we are from civilization and medical attention. When there is a possible goring in your future, these things come up.

Here in Hawaii there really is practically nothing that can harm you. Chickens and mongoose are pretty much the largest mammals we have.

Except for the wild boars. They are taking over, and can get pretty big with a set of big matching tusks to complete the package. They kill a fair amount of dogs.

Anyway, David and I are busy staring at each other wide-eyed, listening to the thing crash through the bushes below us. Relief - I thought it was leaving.

Then it started screaming.

I feel pretty ok calling it screaming. I wish I had recorded it. Bouncing through the trees in the middle of nowhere, it sounded EXACTLY like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park. Seriously. It was loud and scary, and possibly about to eat me.

We could have turned around and gone back to the camp. But it felt like giving up. So, we elected to go forward, creeping quietly on down the trail. At this point David picks up a large stick? branch? Whatever. Something big and pokey. We shall call it his Boar Spear. Not wanting to be left out, I picked up a stick too, although on a much smaller scale. I'm not sure what I was planning to do with it - poke it in the eye? Whatever, I felt better with A Weapon. Ha.

So we creep down the trail, trying to pinpoint the boar. We can hear it moving, but it echoed off the trees, and it was hard to pinpoint where it was. Suddenly, as we rounded a bend, David pulled a 180 and started hauling ass back up the trail. As I listened, I could hear it pounding up the trail in front of us. David blew right past me, leaving me to the mercy of the supposedly angry boar. As I started running, I made a mental Woman's Note to give David hell about deserting me later.

With visions of David bleeding out from a puncture wound on his thigh, I ran up the trail a short distance, where I met back up with David and we had a pow-wow. What to do?! The boar had veered off the trail and left us alone. It was still doing it's weird screaming thing, freaking the crap out of me. Give up? Never! We spent about 15 minutes doing reconnaissance, creeping through the forest looking for higher ground to get a good look at our attacker. It was all clear, so we decided to carry on down the trail. Then suddenly, it jumped out right in front of us!

And it was a COW.

I proceeded to burst forth with some timely explicatives. What the hell is a herd of cows doing 6,000 ft up a mountain where there is little grass and definitely a premium on any kind of solid footing!? It's like someone crossed them with goats. Mountain Gows. I dropped my Weapon with disgust.

David practicing his Boar-slaying moves.

After the Big Reveal, the spear became a walking stick.

Now our only nemesis was time, and the darkness starting to creep through the forest. The rest of the trail was lovely - enough up and down to keep our hearts pumping, but without nearing leg failure. It was so green - it felt more like North Carolina than Hawaii.

If you can see, the 'Beware of Falling Trees' sign got knocked down by a bunch of trees. I found the irony wonderful.

Redwoods! In Hawaii!

Worst pictures ever. Can you believe these are the best ones!?

As darkness fell, so did the temperature. It got freaking cold really fast. We made it back to the campsite, and I basically climbed into my brand-new mummy sleeping bag and did not vacate the premises until David threatened to take down the tent with me in it the next morning.

Warm Tiffy = Happy Tiffy

We proceeded to feast via Costco chicken, and the best strawberries I've ever had in my life.

Then we proceeded to go to bed. At like 7:30.

When the sun goes down, options for fun become dramatically reduced. We were usually so bored when camping, we would just go to sleep not too long after it got dark. I felt like a farmer, or something.

In the darkness of night the silence was almost it's own force, pressing in on your ears. I'm not sure I've ever been in such absolute quiet. It was nuts, in a good way, and we drifted off to sleep.

But not for long.

I awoke to the sounds of quiet snuffling by my head. The real wild boars had found us, and they wanted in. It seems silly now, but I was mortified at the time. Scary wild beasts had come to eat me, and if one charged the tent, I was going to be at their mercy. My new, awesome mummy bag sealed me in tight - and I was not sure how to get out. I tried once before, and it took me like 10 minutes to manage it. I'm not sure if it was the face ties, or the draft collar, or one of the other many features that I had no idea what they did but they sounded cool, that were going to be the vehicle of my demise.

However, the pigs were soon scared away by some torrential rain. Hello, sogginess. Our tarp didn't quite cover the total base of our tent, so if you left things on the floor in certain parts of the tent, they would be soaked by morning. It was like Tent Roulette. That and 'Guess Where That Drip is Coming From', and 'Pobability of Being Gored' were the games of the evening.

And that's how it went. A cycle of rain followed by a cycle of pigs. Rinse and repeat. Literally. Sometimes, when a pig would get too close and nose at the tent, I would do this fish/body flop thing, and try to lurch over to the side of the tent to hit it and scare off the pig. It was less than effective. Much to my surprise, apparently, the pigs never did join us in the tent. It was a tired dawn.

In the light of day, we could see some serious issues: the entire bottom half of the door was left open, and I can't believe we didn't get any visitors. Also, a window was open, and so things on the right side of the tent were a little soggy. Such is camping.

Pouty David Face

So we packed up and headed back down the mountain. On the way, we passed this dude:

It's the Mountain Cow Godfather.

Anyway, escaping the remote areas of the island, we went to...

another remote area.

Ha. We were just there for a few hours, though. We'd heard that the snorkeling on the south end of the island past Wailea was off the hook, so we were so there. David had been on vacation for 2 WHOLE DAYS without getting in the water, and this was Unacceptable.

It was actually quite ugly. Sure, you can see the mountains rising in the distance, but it's the dry side so it's all scrubby. (I'm a nature snob now, remember?) The entire tip of the island we were standing on was black lava rock with some sad looking grasses attempting to make it. In other words, it was kinda desolate.

But who cares, cuz we were there for the sea anyways. And it did not disappoint. David and I left all the loser tourists who were sticking to the shoreline and struck out for the other side of the bay, which had been nicknamed 'the Aquarium'. Sounds good to me!

It was very nice - lots of fish and interesteing coral. After a while, I was turning into a Human Popsicle despite my attemps at some hard swimming to warm me up. So I got out and tried to beat some life back into my limbs while I waited for David to get bored.

David was without a buddy, so I was trying to keep an eye on him, just in case a shark nabbed him or something. I suppose the idea is that I would rush to his aid, but looking back, I'm honestly not sure what I could do - yell 'Go away, you mean shark'? Hit it on the nose? Grapple with it, find-to-hand? I think the only shark help I would be good for would be dragging his body from the ocean once the shark was done with him.

Sometimes I'm glad the ocean isn't next door anymore.

The snorkeling bebes

When looking for David, this is how I distinguish him from other divers - the constant diving down for a better look. That, or the insane spalshing he calls swimming.

Court, I know you're laughing right now.

David could still smoke us both in the water.

Please quit taking pictures and let me come out.

I'm totally rockin the one-piece. I'll take whatever measures I can to conserve heat.

Don't laugh - it helps.

After this we headed up to Wailea, which is apparently where rich people stay. All the shops around the malls are things like Tiffany's, Ralph Lauren, and Louis Vuitton. We were trying to find a place to eat that wouldn't cost more than our plane tickets - we turned around and headed a bit more south in search of street food.

After living in Hawaii, I love street food. I'll eat anythign served from a rusty bus or small cart. MMM.

Sorry, that had nothing to do with Maui.

Anyway, we found this great truck on the side of the road, and had some truly wonderful fish tacos. They had this pink sauce that was like..cream of salsa? I dunno. But I had to restrain myself from squirting it directly into my mouth.

Now that I had eated approx. 5 lbs of food, it was time to go to the beach and don the bikini! Of course it was. Somehow, we always time it that way. This still does not stop me from stuffing my face. Thank you Mom and Dad! There are some good genes in there with all the landmines.

We went to Big Beach, which turned out to be right next to a nude beach. See that rock abve? Climb over it, and you are in a swimsuit-free zone.

David went out for a swim, and I decided to sun and read a book, my favorite pastime combo. It was beautiful, and you can see Molokini in the background.

I was trying to watch out for David again, but as usual, he dissapeared at some point and I couldn't find him. Since this has happened approximately a million times before, I'm pretty laid back about the fact that my husband has dissaperared in the ocean. I tell myself that he is fine, and worrying isn't going to help. And he always is.

But somewhere between those moments of wondering and being reassured by his presence, I always muse to myself that What if? I play imaginary tapes of the conversation I'd have with the Coast Guard if David never showed up.

'When did you see him last?'

'Oh, about 2 hours ago...'

'What? You're just coming to us now!?'

'Well, I just figured he's be alright...'

David coming back - from a suspicious direction.

He actually didn't go on the beach, but he swam about 40 yards off. He said it looked like it was about 50-50 over there. I told him it was a good thing he didn't go up on the beach, or he'd be sleeping outside the tent that night.

We went back to the fish taco stand after the beach for some perfect sno cones. Nothing better when you're hot and sticky from the sea.

There is like a 3 hour gap while David and I drove up to Lahaina, and then promptly got lost trying to find the campground. It took for freaking ever.

When we finally did find it, were were less than impressed. All the camping spots were pretty close together, and there were definietly some long-term inhabitants in residence. But, they were freindly. People with less material goods tend to be pretty outgoing. There is possibly some algorythm that can be derived from this. However, it was right on the beach, so +5 for coolness.

Anyway, what really mattered is that there were SHOWERS.

Showers, people. I had not showered in days.

Most of you are kind of grossed out right now, but I challenge you to pour cold water from a hose on yourself when it's dark and the temperature is around 65, or 45 degrees; - as it was the 2nd night. Not worth it. I must say, it did change my outlook. I didn't want to go certain places, beacuse we were pretty scrubby and people would look at us like we didn't belong. And truthfully, I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt out of place and menial, just becuase of my apperance (and probably smell). I sholdn't have felt bad, becuase I had no where to shower- what was I supposed to do? But some sections of society definitely felt off-limits to me, especially around shiny tourist families who would look at us, then at our car that was packed with sleeping bags and overflowing with clothes, and immediately there would be a family herd away from us. Barely noticible, but there. I can't balme them - lots of people are homeless, and I'm sure they read about them in their guidebooks.

Anyway, I was excited about the showers.

The shower. I thought iwas pretty cute for a campground.

However, these showers had NO DOORS and the giant gap conviently can be seen from like 3 diffrernt campsites.

Scandalous!

So when I took a shower, I had David stand guard. He ended up saving me, although mainly because I hit my head on the midget-level showerhead and slipped on the tile, not because some old dude was trying to join me.

Anyway, after I showered I PUT ON MAKEUP. Ah, the transformation. I missed you, my little ego-boosting friend.

After that we headed into Lahaina, which is the main town by the huge strip of hotels that is the toursit destination for approx 70% of the people who come here. Thus, huge tourist trap. But, after being in the wilderness, we kind of enjoyed all the noise and bustle. We even got to eat a real meal.

Overlooking the main drag

I miss you, long hair. (But that series of unfortunate hair events is another post)

The harbor

There is this huge Banyan Tree that has been around approximately forver that takes up a whole city block. Ok, it was less than forver and more like 150 years or somthing, becuase they had a big party the next day for it's 'birthday'. It's cool, though.

On Fridays, the dozens of art galleries throw open their doors and invite even us non-trust fund people inside, luring us with free wine and snacks. Art + snacks? I'm there.

We had a good time, and I came across an artist that was so different, you just had to love him. His stuff was jsut so random, yet beautifully detailed, I spent a lot of time marvelling over his technique. I found his website, but it is a sad, sad representation of his work. You lose all the details and vibrant color that set him apart. Still, kind of interetsting if you're into it - see it here.

Afterward, I was ready for something sweet.

This is me, looking completely naked in an ice-cream store. The concept is a lot like the Pokey-Os here - you pick the ice cream, the cookies, and they make you a sandwich. Except these cookies were imported directly from heaven. I've never had anything like it. It was a perfect balance of subtle blending of flavors, and the perfect moist/chewiness. While David and I were in there devouring this bad boy, no less than 3 people asked the owners if they were interested in setting up franchises.

After that, it was late and we had to get to bed, becuase we were getting up at the crack of dawn to pack it up and head out for some scuba diving.

Mornings and I don't get along.

Now, there are no more pictures until around 5 pm, because I was busy alienating people.

We were doing a 2-tank dive, one in the crater at Molokini, and then a turtle dive, the latter of which which I was less than thrilled about, but everyone else was about to pop a collective aneuyrsm of joy, so whatever.

It was a nice group - around 20 people, with the necessary characters required for a dive:

• The foreigners, who are nice but have no idea what's going on most of the time


• The locals who make sure that everyone knows they are local, and thus, superior


• The Tommy Hilfiger couple, who are usually older and have badly dyed hair


• (I sound like an ass) but the fat person who spends the entire time walking around in their too-small wetsuit


• The older couple who are jovial, and automatically are everyone's grandparents. The woman is always wearing some kind of puff-paint shirt.

I added to the menagerie as 'crazy hairy person', since I didn't shave in the cold hours of morning. I spent most of my time being ashamed, as we were in tight quarters with these people, and there was no way they missed it. They probably though I was french or something.

So, I was relieved when we finally got to the dive site, and I could put on my wetsuit without beoming crazy boat member #4. (My wetsuit is borrowed, ok!?)

Anyway, my releif promptly did a 180, as I was suddenly freezing to death once I actually got in the water. I alawys enjoy diving with David - you peaceably float toegether underwater, nothing being said, enjoying God's undwerwater landscape. At least until you want to convey anything to the other person, at which time you must start flailing and making wierd hand gestures at the other person, trying to be understood.

It was cool, as always. Although, it really wasn't exctiing. In retrospect, I wish we dove the backside of the crater, which doesn't have much fish, but you can see something really large and cool sometimes. We did get to see a shark, so that was nice. They're pretty rare to see normally in Hawaiian waters, unless you're a surfer, and they're busy trying to eat you. Heads up, dude.

Once we got back on the boat, I was so cold my teeth were uncontrollably clacking together, disturbing other passengers. It was 30 minute boat ride to the other dive site, and it was possibly the most miserable I've been in a very long time. It felt like enternity. I never wamed up. I almost didn't get back in the water. Instead, I told the divemaster that I was probably going to head back to the boat early, and I'd come let her know. 2 other girls, emblodened by my complete lack of conern for the wussy factor, stated that they'd be coming in with me. We were freaking cold, people.

So, we went looking for turtles. And of course, we found some. They were huge. It was a perfect set up for the nice, yet slow, forgieners to make their move. We had been specifically told not to go anywhere near the turtles - it's against the law. It's possible they didn't understand the instructions, but they nodded along with everyone else, so I feel ok to thrash them here. So, the guy decided to go down and hold/dance/fight with one of the turtles. He did this several times, while wifey took pictures. I'm sure they didn't mean any harm, but it makes folks from Hawaii pretty steamed when you go messing with our turtles. I get mad, and I'm a newbie. I'm really not sure why - perhaps they put something in the water.

Thus, I can tell David's pissed, even though I can't see 2/3 of his face. I decide now is a good time to go to the boat. I was actually not the first one back, so I felt a little better. But the lack of people made me have no qualms about immediately stripping out of my wetsuit, climbing to the top deck, and LAWYING ON THE FLOOR to get maximum sunlight + the heat from the deck. As people started arriving, some would climb up the ladder to the deck, and as their head popped up, it would immediately be about 12 inches from my face, since I was lying on the floor.

''Hi!' (I was feeling much better as I got warmer)

They usually went back down.

I, for once, couldn't give a crap about what anyone else thought, and stayed up there, usually by myself, until we got back to the harbor. I'm not sure if it was the wierdness or the hairy legs that scared them off. When David found me he laughed, dissapeared for a second, and then came back with my lunch. Later he brought me a cookie, as he could tell I was not going anywhere. God bless that wonderful man.

So we made it back to the harbor, and promptly got on another boat, which was taking us to another island - Lanai. Our one day there was....quite a change of pace.

Nirvana

Post-diving, we headed over to our one night of hotel gloriousness on the island of Lanai.

I had never been, but I knew Lanai was super-small. Actually, the small section I did see had no chain anything. Half of the people on the boat (it's a 1 hour ride) had just come from Costco, and were stocked up with everything from toilet paper to dog food. My first impression of the island: scrubby. Seriously, there is like hardly any vegetation there, until you near a resort area, and then due to obscene watering, it looks like an oasis.


We were staying at the the Four Seasons. They had two hotels - one up in mountains, and one on the beach. We were staying at the one up in the mountains. They offer free shuttle to/from/and between the two resorts, and we were happily on our way to the top.


You scuba people are probably thinking, 'wait, up? Didn't you just do a two tank dive 4 hours ago? Won't your bodies explode or something from all that excess nitrogen?'


Which became our exact thoughts about 1/4 of the way there. I kept waiting to be struck by some kind of pain, but you know how it is when you suddenly try to become uber-aware of your body - you notice all kinds of things that are normal, but since you've never paid attention to them before, they suddenly become 'symptoms'. Brother.

So, we called the concierge and explained the issue. You can tell it was a nice place, because he tried to seem concerned instead of laughing at our touristy-boneheadedness. He put us on hold while they contacted the dive master at the beach resort. After a long 5 minutes, which is like an hour in body-monitoring time, he came back on and told me that the divemaster said we should be fine, since we were only like 2000 ft up. This was good news, because by the time we got this answer, we were practically there anyway. So yay, no death.

But we were concerned for a while there.

Anyway we arrived, and went from scrubby camper to royalty. Perhaps it was just so different than the rest of our trip, the experience was amplified, but I don't think so. This place was heaven, perfect, and all-around PIMP, and it was all ours for 24 hours.

Entry Drive

Suddenly, every bellhop had memorized my name, and was constantly calling our to me 'Mrs. Dyer!'' to see if I ever needed anything. It kind of made me uncomfortable, to tell you the truth. They all act like you've cured cancer or something. The weirdest part was that everyone seemed so genuinely happy to be waiting on you hand and foot. Perhaps the hotel jobs are really great to have on that island - I don't know. But I felt like I had my own empire or something. If we needed anything, someone was always there, being helpful to the point of ridiculousness.


Just wait until I tell you about the beach resort.

The hotel front

So, it was lovely. We checked in and went to our room to store our tent. (Ha) Here's the view from our room:

One of the reasons I loved it so much was that it looked nothing like Hawaii. It actually felt like a vacation. It was cool, and there were no palm trees, no beach.



Old church/schoolhouse

Well, very few palm trees, anyway. It definitely had a clubhouse/hunting lodge for The Rich vibe. I saw there was a 'Music Room' and I proceeded to force myself and my bad playing on some unfortunate employees in the next room. As a gesture of apology, David went to get a beer, and I discovered their cocktail snacks menu.


There was popcorn.

Not just any popcorn, truffle Parmesan something-er-other popcorn. You know you're at a nice place when they try to put popcorn on something that costs $35. It's avaunt-guarde! How lucky you are! Try not to think that you can get 5 cups of this for $2.50 at home. This is gourmet.

Needless to say, I really wanted some.

Ponies!

David got his beer, and we started to wander the grounds. I spotted horses, so away we went. it was really beautiful in the hazy afternoon light, and David and I spent a while trying to get some horses to wander our way in vain. I noticed at wayyy on the other side of the pasture there was a horse grazing by the fence line. David decided that he did not want to go schlepping through the fields with a glass mug, so we started up the tree-lined drive to the hotel. We were almost there when someone came out and offered to take David's empty glass for him. I feel kind of weird making people bus my dirty things, but luckily David is normal, so we handed it over and headed out.

Barn in the distance

It was nice to just walk and talk, and when we got to the fence line, we discovered that the horse was still there, and friendly. I got some of my favorite pictures of David - David and horses. Perfect for me. I might photoshop Lily in for the trifecta of greatness. But probably not.

David + Horses = Perfect

So we went back to the hotel, and wandered some more. There really was a lot of wandering available. For the first time, I was at a hotel that I didn't mind not leaving.

Walk back to our room


Walkway connecting the rooms to the main area

The back pond/gardens

The back porch had lounge chairs set around individual fire pits! Heaven.



View of the barn from the front porch



Perfect sunset-viewing spot

The only reason David and I could stay at this great place is because they have an amazing rate for locals. If you have a Hawaii driver's license, you get like 75% off or something. It's nuts. We were just coming to the realization that we never wanted to leave, and we were sad we could not afford to come back any time soon. I was about to take a picture of David when I mentioned, 'You know, if we keep our drivers license, we could probably still get the discount.'



I don't know if you can see his face, but this is David's Pure Joy face. He was so happy.



We took maybe a million pictures of this plant. The real flowers look cool because they hang down like a huge cluster of grapes, but this is the picture that turned out the best. I feel the need to include it, because we were there, passing the camera back and forth, for like 20 minutes, and people kept looking at us like we were crazy. Of course, we were crouched in the plant bed of 5 star resort, so maybe we were.


Then, I got a fancy dinner. SO GOOD. Of course, steak was involved. Dessert too - David went all out. David had some kind of side dish that was ridiculously addictive, but I don't remember what it was, just that I ate more than my alotted half.


They had enormous fireplaces in the large room alongside the dining area, populated with plush couches and armchairs. The poor piano I had subjected myself to earlier was out, and someone who could actually play was doing something wonderful on it. Several people had chosen to be served dinner while sitting in armchairs around the fire, and I could see several small children being brought large mugs of hot chocolate with huge clouds of what were definitely homemade marshmallows floating in them. I mentally added it to my To Do list for later.


But, I was determined to enjoy my first fire in 1 1/2 years immediately. It was heaven.

<Insert Heavenly Choir Here>

After this, we decided NOT to go to bed at 7 pm! I know! Crazy! There was a game room (of course there was a game room) so we whiled away the hours in a Tour de Room Championship.




Shuffleboard



David and I enjoyed this one the most, probably because we both sucked, and therefore were pretty evenly matched. We spent most of our time here. David reminds me of my dad - he will always take the punk shot if he thinks he could make it. Similarly, my dad spanked us all mercilessly at Clue when we were children. Which, I will probably do to my kids. Its a nice reminder of who's really the boss.



Pool


Yes, I used to have one. Yes, I truly suck at this. David destroyed me.



Foosball

I also had a foosball table. My father taught me well, and because he never just let me win, it was a real joy and achievement when I beat him for the first time. I proceeded to demasculate David here.

Several times.

Ah hahaha! Victory is mine.

There was also a long line of tables with various classical games set up - we played backgammon, but I didn't take any pics because backgammon - not exactly thrilling. I did kick some ass though.

Finally beat, we went to bed. We had things to do in the morning! Although, we weren't quite sure what. We spent a luxurious 30 minutes in a bed with a comforter, watching TV. It was glorious.

The next morning, I took yet another shower - I was so happy about having a bathroom. Words can't describe. Hot water - it was the best part of the vacation. Thank goodness David didn't have a hold of the camera when I entered our room - I managed to wait until the bellhop left before I ran in there an started hugging various common bathroom items, such as the sink and shower head.

After that, we headed down to breakfast, which overlooked the back area of the resort. It was kind of pretty. (sarasm)

As I was looking at this, I was eating breakfast nirvana. I was having essentially what was a plate-sized lobster hash brown topped with two poached eggs and a river of creamy hollandiase sauce. Sweet lord. I almost wouldn't share. David had something equally astounding, but I don't remember what because it is all lost in my lobster-hollandiase haze. I didn't need to eat for the rest of the day.

After breakfast - more wandering. The back is a pretty, zen area.

There is a little green house all lone on the hill - inside it is stuffed with a zillion different kinds of orchids. Corene, you would have loved it. I thought of you.

Orchids

Beside the lake there was a bamboo forest with random buddas in it. David did some communing, but could not covert this little guy.

After our walk around the lake, we grabbed some clubs and hit up the professional putting green. Aka, miniature golf! haha!

Fore!

We had a really good time. David was surprised about how well I did. Heck, I was surprised. I even got a hole in one once. Decorum out the window, I celebrated. The two other players were looking at me over their bifocals and shoulder sweaters. Whatever. We had more fun.

After this, we were considering indulging in another rich-person pastime they offered, croquet. Seriously, there were several nice croquet fields set up, ready to play on. But, alas, we needed to get packed up, becuase we wanted to hit up the beach at the other resort before we had to head back to Maui to catch our flight.

Look - a reading nook!! Love it. I read for a bit while I waited for David to get packed.

Which wasn't happening because David was busy....

Jumping on the bed.

Eventually we did get out of there, and headed down to the beach, which looked something like this:

Although, to get to the actual beach, you had to walk for a pretty long time. It was worth it, and becuase of this, it wasn't too crowded.

We picked a spot away from most people, and started to set up. The cabana guy had followed us out, and laid special towels down that hooked over the chairs so they wouldn't move while you were laying on them. Sweet.

There was a pod of dolphins in the bay, so David set out to go swim with them. I stayed on the beach, because we weren't suposed to go bother the dolphins, and I didn't want it to be too obvious that we were blantantly ignoring this fact. There were arleady a few yahoos out there, anyway. What's one more?

By the way, it's attitudes like that this that make recycling so ineffective.

Anyway, David's out swimming, and I'm in my usual mo, which is cozying up to a book. I happened to glace up and I was turning a page, and noticed this poor shmuck in a polo shirt schlepping out to us. I squinted, trying to see what he was carrying. It looked like... a pitcher? Yes, it was. This poor bastard walked like half a mile to see if I wanted some lemonade, and to offer some suntan lotion in case I had forgotten mine. I was kind of dumbfounded, but I managed to close my trap and take the lemonde, becuase that is just awesome. He turned around and headed back to what I hope was the cool shady place from whence he came. Crazy. Later I noticed this poor guy laboring under a huge waiter's tray to bring a family of 5 their ordered lunches up from the clubhouse. Brutal.

I started getting hot and wanted to cool off, but not in the ocean, since I woudn't be able to take a shower until we got back. So, we headed up to the pool.

Where the REAL pampering began.

I hadn't been down long when someone started coming around with cool towels for our heads. I figured, what they hey, so I took one. Although it's only refreshing for about 10 seonds, so I'm not sure it's worth the bother.

Perhaps 15 mintes later, a repetative sound broke through my reading haze. Something was being repeated with the same polite inflection over and over, and I looked up to see what I had correctly guess was the next guest amenity. I had to turn a loud laugh into a cough when I saw what was going on.

Some nice pool employee was offereing to spray you in the face with some EVIAN. I managed to pass with a straight face, because this was this poor guy's job, and laughing is Not Nice. Although it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest. But I wonder if sometimes after a shift he dreams of upturning our little umbrella-filled drinks all over our desinger swimsuits. He probably does. I would.

David and I played in the water for a bit, and when we got out someone was coming around giving out samples of some kind of coconut ice cream with macadamia honey glaze. It was good, and I enjoyed it immensely. What I did not enjoy was the bees, who zoned in on our finished sample cups. I don't like bees, and David freaks out over anything with a stinger, so I picked up the cups and went looking for a trash can.

I was looking for quite some time. Where were they? I was perplexed. I must have been showing on my face, becuase a hotel employee came over, and asked me if he could help me. I explained that the cup was drawing bees, and we just wanted to be rid of it. You would have thought that I had just told him I had a gun and was going to shoot up the joint. A look of pure horror crossed his face, and then he started apologizing for the inconveince. I was like, it's no big deal - I just need a trash can. Turns out, there aren't any. All trash is to be taken away by the employees, because us guest people have better things to do, apparently.

Such as getting pedicures. One lady was laying down on her chair by the pool, and this woman came out with a portable pedicure kit. Gave it to her right there by the pool. That was a first.

This was a new world for me. It is soley based on having people at your beck and call to make you feel important. And even though I know it's shallow, it kind of does. I can see if a person was surrounded by this all the time how their perceptions would get a little warped. It was interesting.

Eventually David and I had to leave, and leave we did. But it was just a short trip back to a different kind of paradise.

Death March

It's the countdown until I leave the island, and comparing my calendar to the number of hikes I've circled in our guidebook is showing that there needs to be a culling of the field.


Per usual, I am much more optimistic about a trail when I'm reading about it in the comfort of my living room than I am when actually hiking said trail. This one was no different.


Mildly frightened by snippits in the description that said things like 'very steep', 'serious erosion' and 'socked in', I decided to instead focus on the parts that proclaimed 'magnificent views of the entire windward side' and 'a hidden crater only seen by this trail'. Yay! Sure, I have no idea what 'socked in' means, and it's kind of frightening, but on the plus side, there is coolness! I had marked this trail with a star for a 'must hike'. However, I had never actually gone, bc it is marked 'strenuous' and any day now I was going to be getting into better shape at the gym and thus be ready for it. Why this wasn't actually happening goes as follows:


Typical Weekend Day in Reality: ''We can go work out - Ooo, right after some malasadas. Oh, now I'm sleepy, I just want to lay on the beach. Oh, now I'm worn out from the sun. No Gym.''


So, with my last free weekend at hand, I decided 'screw it' and David and I packed up and went on this 7 mile hike. We started at around 11 am or noon.

Finally staggered to the car around 6 pm.

Oh yeah.

Happy faces! We must have just started.

Basically, this was a hike along the spine of a ridge to the top of the large mountain range separating Honolulu from the Windward side. Actually, for all my whining (it's funnier this way), I really enjoyed the hike to the top of the range, for the most part.

Looking back towards the car

We had a great time, ambling over the ridge. After a while, I was starting to get seasick, since we had to go up and down so much. We probably didn't gain any altitude, but climbed approximately a gagillion feet with all those steep hills. I counted on the way back. There were 17 mini-mountains to climb on the way to the top. My quads were killing me.

The scenery was pretty good, great views of Honolulu, and lots of trees and birds. Aka, the usual. David loved it, per usual, as well.

The hills are aliiive... with the sound of weeping

There was some rock climbing involved. I don't remember this being so bad on the way down, but on the way up It felt like I was about to tip off the edge of the world. On top of that, I didn't remember it at all, so I thought we were lost. PERFECT.


Monkey Girl

View back down the trail

Weirdly dead trees. They look like a giant reached down and stripped all their leaves off, pulling to the left, leaving them twisted and bare as they swept across the trail.

It's the hidden crater! Do you see it?! Don't feel bad if you don't, because I was THERE and I had to stare a this pic for a few minutes trying to figure out what it was. If you have Superman eyesight, you can see the waterfall spilling out of the lip of the crater.

Cute baby fern

Right after this, the trail got stupid steep. I could see the 'erosion' and 'steepness' coming into play. My fav parts were when the incline suddenly became devoid of all plants and was a thin layer of gravelly sand, and there was nothing between you and slippery death other than thin air. The trick is to not lose momentum. David shared this helpful fact AFTER I almost fell to a slippery death of my own.

I don't hike as fast as David, so he is almost always ahead of me. We exchange words about this at least once per hiking trip, usually. This time it was a particularly explosive conversation, because I was in the gravelly part and had gotten stuck, and was starting to slowly slip over the edge. David was TOO FAR AWAY to hear my cries for help. Somehow I miraculously made it to solid ground. I say angel intervention. Either that, or super strength fueled by my high level of adrenaline/rage as I started envisioning ways to rip David a new one if I got off the ledge. All in all, I became neither dead nor maimed, so that was good. David was appropriately chagrined, and stayed closer to me after that.

Finally at the top! Kind of nervous about the impending climb down.

It was a race against the clouds. We won! Ha ha!

Later I found out that's what 'socked in' means - covered in clouds. I would have been pretty pissed if I hiked all the way up there and couldn't see jack. I'm glad it was somewhat clear.

At the top! You can see the Windward coast stretching away to the right of me. I took this opportunity to call my sister in AR and gloat. Although, mainly I just wanted to share the moment with her. I'm still a bit bitter for her leaving me here.

PURDY This is kind of the view back. See civilization way in the background? Actually, this picture does not properly represent the insanity of the trail. I will try to recreate via Photoshop.

Still does not do it justice! Bah.

I should have taken some pictures on the way down the summit, but I was too busy grasping onto plants for dear life to bust out the camera. My two options for making it down alive became:

• Plant Anchors
• Sliding on my Butt. My shorts were never the same again.

But that's not until later. For now, top! Pretty!

There are no more pictures after this, because I am retarded and let my camera run out of batteries. Actually, it died right before we got to the top, so we warmed the battery in the sun (tip via Court - real or crap? Who knows. We got a few photos, though) and then we'd have to take picture super-fast, completely disregarding things like counting or composition. In other words, ideal conditions.

Actually, thank the sweet lord that the camera did die, because I'm pretty sure after this my face started looking like I was having an appendectomy sans anesthetic. After I got down the initial steep decline from the summit, my knees started reporting in that I am retarded, and that they will be torturing me until I had the good sense to sit down. At this point I had 3.5 miles of heavy climbing ahead of me.

It was brutal. I'm writing this 2 months after the fact, so I don't really remember exactly how the trip back went. I remember 'writing' several dark antedotes in my head for what was becoming a future post to pass the time, but not much else. I spent a lot of time starting at the ground to make sure I didn't trip.

The one thing that did stick in my head was the hostile plant life. It was seriously taking everything I had to keep going, and meanwhile, there was this thin grass with razor edges or something that was growing across 60% of the trail, and it was slowly cutting my shins to ribbons. David too. It's the Hawaiian Grass Torture.

The last 2 miles featured some silent crying, and I was seriously considering just lying down and camping in some random spot, and I would try to finish in the morning. I was moving Grandma style, and David was probably wondering if we'd make it out before dark. He tried to help me the best he could, but there's not much you can do on a trail like that. We had to sit down a few times. I don't think I've ever pushed my knees so hard. Every step was a lesson in determination. I was so tired, I stopped picking my feet up, and almost tripped off the edge countless times. Even David was exhausted. Not just healthy-tired, but completely spent. Neither of us had anything left by the time we staggered out to the car. We drove to a 7-11 and each had around a gallon of Gatorade. I'm pretty sure that after that we went comatose.

Hawaii - Work Out Before You Get Here. You want the coolness? You have to work for it, baby.

So, the last part sucked, but I would do it again in a heartbeat for the memories I get to keep long after my pain has faded.

Surprise! Please Don't Plan an Intervention

Yes, this is it - the big unveiling.

Surprise! I'm a heathen.

Before I begin, NO, I do not feel the urge to:

• Hang out in biker bars
• Start cussing around small children
• Replace my wardrobe with leather
• Get drunk on a Tuesday
• Start smoking
• Any other tattoo stereotype I missed

Actually, David started it all. He wanted to get a tattoo as a remembrance of our time in Hawaii, because it really meant a lot to us, especially David. I told him that there was no way I was getting one, but he could go nuts. He wanted something that represents the sea, because it turns out David loves it. On some days, he loves it probably more than me.

Anyway, I had more free time than David, so I started searching the web for Hawaiian tattoo designs. I spent A LOT of time doing this, but nothing was quite right.

So, the search continued. It went on for so long, that I started to see some things I really liked. And, after a while, I combined different aspects of all the tattoos I liked and made a unique one, just for me, in case I changed my mind about the whole needles thing.

Then I started researching the care instructions for tattoos, so I would be ready when David got one. Then I found out that you have to stay out of the water for 2-4 weeks, and out of the sun for at least a month! When you live in Hawaii, that kind of sucks. At this point, it was mid-March, and I realized if I was going to do this, I had to get a tattoo RIGHT THEN to be finished in time for our vacation to Maui in mid-April. So I pondered the situation, and decided I wanted one, after all. Just a little one. Ha.

OWWW.

David was all kinds of supportive, so we packed it up and drove WAYYY up the coast to the part of the island that was practically deserted, because the Internet told me there was some tattooing greatness up there, in the form of a lady named Laura. I was concerned, because sparsely populated areas are usually really local Hawaiian, and they don't like us whitey transplants. I was getting it on my shoulder - what if they wrote 'Suck it, Haole' on there instead!? There was much fretting.

Actually, she turned out to be a white chick from New York! Ha ha. She was very nice, and looked at my drawings and altered them a bit further for maximum coolness. Then she asked me how big I wanted it - I said around 2'' x 2'' and she looked at me like I was nuts. She said that my design required a larger tat so you could see all the design elements. She drew it on my back and let me look at it - in the moment I was like, 'Pretty!' and said ok. David had a weird look on his face, and later I realized it was there because it was MUCH larger than I had planned, and he knows how I get caught up in the moment.

So, then it was Needle Time. As Laura was finishing up the drawing, another girl had come in for her first tattoo as well. Since she wanted an exact copy of something, she got started before me.

Oh sweet lord.

The sounds coming out of her mouth were....unhappy. Loud screaming/panting. I think my adrenaline level shot up just listening to her. Everyone else in the shop were vaguely embarrassed for her, and wouldn't look each other in the eye. I swore to myself that I would not make a sound.

Getting freaked out, listening to the show.

Then (??) started. I managed not to scream, and I could tell she was relieved I was not going to be a pansy. (Just wait!) But, man - the pain. It felt just like a hot scalpel slowly being dragged through your skin. About 30 minutes in, the pain buildup was pretty considerable. When I'm in pain, I tend to hold my breath. I'll let you guess what happens next.

Actually, I was starting to get tunnel vision, and I asked her if we could have a break. She said 'Sure, just let me finish this real quick.'

After that, I woke up.

Impending Unconsciousness.

At first, all I felt was a cessation of the pain, which was like a drug in and of itself. Then I realized I was slumped down in the chair. I put 2 and 2 together, and my eyes darted over to look at the chair David had been sitting in - it was empty. Thank goodness, he wasn't here for this little episode.

But no. He had been there alright - Laura sent him to the convenience store to get a soda for me to raise my blood sugar - apparently that helps. As we waited, the after-fainting nausea started setting in. Honestly, I think it's worse than the actual tattooing. I hate feeling all out-of-sorts. It took 30 minutes for it to subside so we could go on. I was just relieved there was not a huge black line running down my back from when I randomly slumped down in my chair. Whew.

Outlining

After that, there was more pain for a while. I didn't get anywhere near passing out again, so I guess the soda trick works. I was in the chair for 3 hours, but passed out for probably 30 minutes, so - maybe 2 1/2 hours of scalpel fun? It was nuts. I'm kind of amazed I made it. When they shade, they drag the needles back and forth in your skin, like they are coloring..(Which, I guess they are.) That was less than fun. I have a few lines going towards the top of my shoulder, and that was the worst. It felt like the needles was going all the way through my body to the soles of my feet. Nerves are a fascinating thing.

Holy crap, that's big.

The Screamer had long since gone, so Laura and the other tattoo artist and I talked about different people's reaction to getting tattooed for the first time, and we all made fun of me for fainting. Then, it was all over, and I had this lovely piece of art on me forever.

It's in a non-wrinkly/baby stretching spot that people don't see very often, so hopefully it won't be freakish when I'm older. I doubt I'll be wearing a strapless anything when I'm 50.

Almost done....I like my ghost-white complexion. It hurt, ok!?

The next day when I woke up, I started freaking out, because ink was LEAKING OUT of my tattoo. Turns out there are all kinds of crazy things that can happen, and I just knew my tattoo was going to wash away. Or start spotting. Or get infected. We had a little Paranoia Period for about a week.

I think the best part was going to the beach post-tattoo. It had to be covered at all times, but I still wanted to indulge in my favorite activity - basking. Options? Survey says.... look like a huge dork.

Basically, I got an old t-shirt with virtually no sleeves that I didn't like, and hacked it off right at my ribs, so it covered the top half of my body, but my tummy was no longer in the dark. I was a sight walking down the beach. This look might have worked if I was in any kind of shape, but my workout regime includes donuts. So, on the outside there I was, looking like I thought I was all hot and stuff, showing off my marshmallow-stomach. Inside, I felt like a complete doofus, and just wished I ate less donuts. David found this hysterical.

At work, my boss went to pat me on the shoulder, and I reacted so strongly trying to get away from him, I had to show him to explain. He thought David had been beating me at home. They were all very proud and proclaimed me 'aina'. (That's Hawaiian for 'local' - kinda.)

Most importantly, David loves it. I kept it a secret for 2 months so I could surprise my mom. It was so worth it. I got the bug-eye look from my sister too - but they both loved it. HA HA! It made up for the 2 months of having to painstakingly photoshop my tattoo out of all pictures posted on the blog. The first thing EVERYONE says to me is, 'it's fake, right?" Without fail. THEN they freak out as they realize it isn't.

It's actually been interesting moving back - in Hawaii, it's unusual if you don't have a tattoo. Here, it's unusual if you do and you're not a biker. It feels like a 2 month delayed reaction, since no one said anything over on the island and I'm just now getting the feedback. So far no one has brought up the 'your body is a temple' thing yet, but I'm waiting. I'm still me - getting a tattoo doesn't change who you are, or what you stand for. It's just for showing something that is important to you to others. It's a piece of you in physical form.

Although, it DOES make guys hit on me a lot more - yay, self esteem. Although, it's probably more becuase it's such an easy and safe topic to ask about - I suppose making that first move is the scariest. Single girls - think about gettting an ice-breaker tattoo! (Ha)

Of course, that could also be because I'm at college, which is a giant Meat Market. I had forgotten.

Once you get married - everyone else just becomes...people. I just don't think about it anymore. So at first I just thought everyone was really friendly, and completely missed the connection until David pointed it out. He said it was cute that I'm so clueless.

It's a bit of a new world - watching the tattoo alter people's initial perspective about me.

*Oh, side note - every time someone sees my tattoo and says something like, 'You got a tattoo!' David will invariable hear and yell, sometimes from across the room, 'She fainted!'

Sigh.

Love ya, babe.

Carnival in the Casa

Do you see that cord running over the door? This old apt, in addition to having only 5 outlets TOTAL IN THE WHOLE PLACE, has the cable jack way back in the kitchen. So this cord has to go all the way around the room, looking ghetto, until it reaches the TV. Occasionally the classy Ductape job will come loose and tangle around the upper hinge, causing the door to jam a quarter of the way upon opening. My expectations of a clear doorway and forward momentum will cause me to jam through the crack, trip over the now-loose wire, and fall on the tile. Or my dog. I will not miss this.

Sorry, this has nothing to do with food. End Rant.

This week, we tackle....corn dogs.

I am sensing an unhealthy trend here - why is around 40% of all my experiments fried? Possibly because I consider anything to be fried delicious? Or because I usually never do it? The world may never know.

You might be wondering where all this oil is coming from. When my sister moved, I suddenly became the proud owner of 3 gallons of vegetable oil. Add that to my existing 2 gallons purchased via Costco, and that is a lot of oil. Now I need to get rid of it before I move - hence, frying everything in sight. Besides, you should NEVER re-used fry oil; the high temperatures break down the oil molecules, and bad things happen. Too lazy to get into it here. Just don't do it.

doggies in a row

Anyway, corn dogs. I love corn dogs. Crispy coating with a hint of corn yumminess surrounding a hog dog; which, although it is mystery meat, the fact that I could not have them as a child makes me want them as an adult, and damn the consequences. I'm pretty sure psychology would have something to say about this.

I picked this recipe, because I noticed bacon in the ingredient list. Bacon, people. That automatically means that this is going to be awesome, because nothing tastes bad when bacon's involved. When you want something to be great, what do chefs do? Wrap it in bacon. From filet mignon to fried mac and cheese. (Yes, Bacon-wrapped fried mac and cheese. It might even be too much for me. Naturally, we have Paula Deen, who is trying to reduce the world population via heart disease, to thank for that little gem).

All in all, the technique level is pretty low on this one:

• grab hot dog



• insert stick



• dunk in batter



• fry



• shove in face



• get fat



• repeat
  
  
  

Impaled! I used disposable chopsticks for the skewers.

Once prepped, I put the batter in a tall, thin glass. and dunked in the hot dog. Then, into the oil!

At this point, a problem became apparent. When you think of Ball Park franks, what immediately pops into your brain? If you're a giant reservoir of product jingles like most of the nation, your brain will start shrieking, 'They plump when you cook 'em!!'

My brain did not chime in with this tidbit of information while in the grocery store. It was too busy screaming, 'Hot dogs! Yay! I can eat these without feeling like a bad person, because it's all for the blog right? Ooo, Ballparks, my favorite. They are big too, so the chopsticks won't crumble them. Huzzah! La de dah...' And so on.

So, when the actual cooking began, guess what happened!? They freaking plumped. But not after the batter had already set, so.....

This picture seems almost indecent - like a hot dog strip show. Take it off, baby!

It busted out of that shell Hulk-style. I proceeded to be pissed. What a waste - now I had all these hot dogs that were going to be unfulfilled corn dogs. I decided, screw it. I was going to finish these off, by god, because I'm not sure what else to do with 7 hot dogs on sticks. So I just lowered the temp of the oil in a last-ditch effort to not cook the breading before the plumping action took place.

Miraculously, it worked. Surprised all around. So, the dipping and frying commenced. And there was joy.

Hey! They look like actual corn dogs!

I was pretty pleased.

David was very pleased. For all his being 'grossed out' by fried, fatty things, he sure doesn't have any problem devouring them in mass quantities if I put it in front of him. He wanted to keep eating them, so I had to pack the extras away in the freezer before his heart exploded.

I asked for an action shot, and I get this - Mindless Zombie Eating Corn Dog

They were prefect dogs, taste-wise. I think that little bit of bacon grease really made the difference.

Behold - Le Corn Dog

Homemade Corn Dogs

INGREDIENTS
1 quart oil for deep frying
1 cup all-purpose flour
2/3 cup yellow cornmeal
1/4 cup white sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons bacon drippings
1 egg, beaten
1 1/4 cups buttermilk
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 pounds hot dogs
wooden sticks (I used chopsticks)

DIRECTIONS
1. Heat oil in a deep fryer to 365 degrees F (185 degrees C).
2. In a large bowl, stir together the flour, cornmeal, sugar, baking powder and salt. Stir in melted bacon drippings. Make a well in the center, and pour in the egg, buttermilk, and baking soda. Mix until everything is smooth and well blended. Pour it into a tall drinking glass.
3. Pat the hot dogs dry with paper towels so that the batter will stick. Insert wooden sticks into the ends. Dip the hot dogs in the batter one at a time, shaking off the excess. Deep fry a few at a time in the hot oil until they are as brown as you like them. Drain on paper towels or serve on paper plates.

• 
  
  If you have trouble getting your batter to stick, dip the battered dog into the hot oil for just a couple of seconds to set a thin layer of batter. Allow it to cool a bit then re-batter it. The second layer will stick much better.Allow corn dogs to cool to room temperature then place on a baking sheet and freeze. Once they are fully frozen, put them into freezer bags. Reheat them at 400°F in the oven for about 20 min and serve with plenty of ketchup and mustard!

Cutness FAIL

Ok, before you get all excited, that picture above is NOT mine. It was the inspiration of what was supposed to be this week's Adventure in Baking. Although in all fairness, it was an adventure - just not a particularly good one.


What you are looking at are called Cake Pops - and there's this lady on the Internet that is all kind of famous for it, in foodie circles.


Or with people like me, who stalk people with actual talent in some kind of act of latent jealousy.


So I wanted to try my hand. I mean, it's just cake dipped in chocolate with various sprinkles stuck on them. How hard could it be? I am the Cake Queen, after all!

Say goodbye, ego and self-esteem!

Ok, here we are, starting with the base. I baked a strawberry cake, and at this point I've crumbed it and added in the frosting. It's genius - cake with frosting already in it! Good ideas like this seem so obvious, but I would never think of it myself. That's kind of depressing for me. Although, it looks kind of disgusting, like some kind of mincemeat. David LOVED it though. He said it was like a 'super-moist cake brownie thing'.

Cake Balls

Going good so far - I'm going to attempt to make the bunnies, eggs, and chicks. I LOVED the chicks with their little basketball bodies and tiny feet. You can kind of see what each ball's intended for. Well, I can, anyway. To attach the handles, you just dip the stick into some melted chocolate and push it into the cake ball.

Like so

In lollipop form

Into the freezer!

While freezing, I thought I'd get all my accoutrements ready into stations. Here I am making bunny butts! Cute. They are just marshmallows that I've scored to look more like a tail.

Actually, these things call for all kinds of random crap that I could not find anywhere in Hawaii. I've been planning on doing these for a few weeks, since the tutorials got posted last month. In retrospect, they were probably posted early so that intelligent people could give it a test run before the big day. I am not that person. Instead, I spent the weeks scouring the island, trying to find different kinds of sprinkles. I found one kind. Thus, I spent an hour painstakingly cutting sprinkles to form wings, beaks, noses, etc. I had marginal hope for the endeavor.

I tried. I did. I thought I'd start out with the bunnies, because they looked the easiest. As I started dipping, my recurring thought was, 'How in the world does that lady get the surface so smooth!?' I was constantly dealing with weird drips, lines, or places where I would accidentally touch the surface and screw it all up. I had bunny stalactites, for pete's sake. Not normal looking.

I later re-read the tutorial, and she uses something called 'Paramount Crystals' to help with the melting, which I immediately dismissed, bc I knew I'd never find it over here. It must be some magical powder, that's all I have to say. Like the opposite of Kryptonite for Superman. There probably actually is such a substance, but I have no idea what it is, and no room in my brain for more pointless information. I'm visiting my mom in a month, and I'll need all the space I can spare.

So I had weird, lumpy issues. And stalactites. At least they were staying on the sticks.

Bunnies with tails and ears, and one seriously disturbing 'egg'

I was using tic tacs for ears, which ended up being too short. Combined with the really round bodies, they looked exactly like albino pigs. I figured I'd better get faces on these suckers pronto.

But, sadly, I was having a pen malfunction. I actually found edible markers out here, although in pink and purple instead of black.

It'll do.

If they actually worked.

What the heck, Wilton!? I could not get these things to write if my life depended on it. Due to the frantic repeating of the pattern 10 times per pig, it came off looking like a 5 year old scribbled on it. Also, my hand became covered in scribbles, as I was testing the pen periodically, and when I'm in the zone, cleanup is less than a secondary concern. It is only later, when I realize I am permanently marked for the next week that I reconsider my actions.

It went downhill from there. I have been beaten by cake pops. I finally just gave up and I realized there was no way in hell I was letting anyone see these things, and it was midnight and I had to go to work the next day. Carnage below.

aftermath

How the pops are supposed to look:

Iisn't he ADORABLE!? too bad I couldn't find the 'rainbow chips' for his face and wings. Let's improvise!

Very cute eggs. Where does she find all those different sprinkles?!

bunny bottoms


Faces with appropriate ears

Ok, now are you ready for the horror show? This is so embarassing....



Say hello to the Sad Bod Squad.

What's so depressing is that the bunnies came out best. Shudder

WHAT IS THAT!? A bowling ball? Now, this kind of ticked me off, because what color would you say this little guy is? Orange. He is freaking orange, and I have no idea how that happened. I used my yellow dye. Heavens knows my hands/counter tops/everything else was stained yellow. My chickies, however, remained this mysterious puke orange color. WHAT IS GOING ON!? Usually this would intrigue me; what is going on with the chemistry of these two items that results in the change of color? But for now I was only pissed. It was at this point that I gave up, and just started slapping on my ill-advised modified chick parts.

Paint a sloppy line on my one surviving 'egg', sprinkle on some homemade colored sugar, which clumps, and snap a truly depressing picture. The discrepancies - I am used to things turning out at least somewhat like the picture. Not today.

David came home from the office (yes, at 12:30am) and enthusiastically proclaimed them adorable, to which I attribute to the late hour, and to the fact that his brain was fried.

Cake Pops: 1, Me: -20.

Although, they were magically delicious, if you could make yourself eat something so hideous. I will probably try some variation of these again at some point, when the frustration of this has faded, and my boredom level is high.

I had my revenge.

Cake Pop Basic Directions

Use this basic start as a canvas for whatever you would like to make!

1 box cake mix (cook as directed on box for 13 X 9 cake)

1 can frosting (16 oz.)

candy melts (1 lb. pkg.)

Lollipop sticks

Edible ink pens

Various Sprinkles

• After cake is cooked and cooled completely, crumble into large bowl.
  
• Mix thoroughly with 1 can frosting. (I use the back of a large spoon, but it may be easier to use fingers to mix together. But, be warned, it will get messy. Also, you may not need the entire can of frosting, so start out by using almost the entire can and add more if you need to.)
  
• Roll mixture into quarter size balls and place on wax paper covered cookie sheet. (Should make 45-50)
  
• Melt chocolate in the microwave per directions on package. (30 sec intervals, stirring in between.)
  
• Dip the tip of your lollipop stick in a little of the melted candy coating and insert into the cake balls. (Insert a little less than halfway.)
  
• Place them in the freezer for a little while to firm up.
  
• Once firm, carefully insert the cake ball into the candy coating by holding the lollipop stick and rotating until covered. Once covered remove and softly tap and rotate until the excess chocolate falls off. Don't tap too hard or the cake ball will fall off, too.
  
• Place in a styrofoam block to dry.
  
• Once dry, draw faces with an edible ink pen and allow ink to dry!
  
• Pray