English is Their Second Language

This is not my college experience.

That fact is thrown into sharp relief when after exams my classmates invite me out to go out, and I can't go because I need to go make dinner for my husband.

My college days will forever be at A&M, where I had girl roomie parties, went out dancing at The Hall, played pick up games of Ultimate frisbee, and generally was young and mildly stupid.

I am attending UNT this summer, and it's kind of crazy to be back in the student world. I walk through the library filled with students and truly realize that higher learning never sleeps - it's being forced upon unsuspecting students 24/7. It's an easy concept, but it was pretty simple to forget about this aspect of society once I'd been removed from it.

Although I'm so relieved to finally, FINALLY, be finishing my degree, I'm definitely having to dust off the saddle to get back on this horse.

I'm currently in the middle of the first summer semester, which is 5 weeks, and I'm taking French I and Calculus.

Calculus.

Oh, how I loathe thee.

It's no secret that I'm a Math Moron. I sucked at math back when I was taking it consecutively. Try to imagine my difficulties with Calculus 8 years after taking Pre-Cal.

I'll let you ponder that for a minute.

IT SUCKS.

I mean, it's ridiculous. Everyday, I study from 12 - 6:30 pm, which is how long it takes me to do the 25 problems assigned for homework. I spend about half that time in the math lab, where graduate students have to tutor us lesser, retarded students. I know them all by name, and their schedules. I like to go in after 3, which is when the long-haired old guy who hates me has already left. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm too stupid to breathe. At 6:30pm, I run to Calc class, which lasts until 8:45. That's a lot of calculus in one day. I get home at 11 pm, and I usually need to study for a few more hours before hitting the sack and doing it all over again at 6:30 am the next morning, which is when we need to get up to head over to work/school. (I have French from 9 am - Noon).

Actually, I eventually get all the calculus parts. It's the algebra and trig that have long since vacated my brain that screws me over. You'd be amazed how quickly Calculus degrades into these two things.

So, I have issues. This is not helped by the fact that my teacher didn't grow up speaking english. Actually, neither of my teachers did. Of course, that is kind of to be expected for a language teacher. Christophe is a very soft-spoken french guy. Half the girls in class have a crush on him, because when we have open sessions and we are supposed to be asking about the cultures of France vs America and his transition, they ask him things like 'who do you live with' and 'do you have a girlfriend'. Teenagers.

Tanjar Das (Math) is a completely different story. Before I say anything else, let me preface it with this: I like this guy. Honestly, if he wasn't so in love with math, we could be friends. He's a nice guy, and has a kind of self-deprecating humor that is funny.

But he sounds just like Arnold Schwarzenegger with an Indian accent. He knows it too. He is just kind of kooky in general. My math notes are covered with random things he says that makes me laugh. Here are some:

• The first day of class: ''I need more colors!" He kept muttering this to himself under his breath.



• The next day he showed up with a veritable bucket of colored chalk, and every day since then it's been: "I know, perhaps I should use more colors."



• On his handwriting/accent: "If you don't understand something I've written on the board, feel free to come and ask me, and I'll be glad to confuse you further."



• We're learning derivatives of functions, so his big thing is to replace f(x) with 'smileys'. We hear "Now take the derivative of smiley'' and ''divide smiley by the derivative of smiley'' several times a day. He actually draws it on the board in the equation. My notes look like they've taken Zantax.



• "Don't let your mind go there dirty." Someone was moving tables in the adjoining classroom, and it was a loud, banging sound.



• One day we were all looking stressed and lost, and he had this pearl of wisdom to pass on about why math isn't hard, just looks long and scary: "It's like Adam and Eve - all those kids? Looks complicated, but it's a simple concept."

Sure, these aren't knee-slappers or anything, but when you've been in math class for 2 hours and your brain is leaking out your ears, you take what you can get.

So that's my life these days: Mon - Thurs out of the house from 7:30 am- 10:30 pm, followed by more studying, and then passing out. Fri - Sun I try to catch up on some sleep, and in math. French is definitely getting the backseat. Actually, I am spending so much time with Calculus, it's starting to seep over into my everyday life. I was speaking with someone, and tried to make a joke about prayer sometimes being a function of desperation. They looked at me like I was crazy.

Although it's entirely possible that's because my formula made no sense whatsoever. I'm still getting the hang of this.

Snow White

So, I spend basically all my waking hours on campus or in my car, so the only material I have is pretty boring.

Sucks for ya'll!

(I love being able to say that again, by the way)

Anyway, I am constantly being beleaguered by the wildlife on campus. Sure, 85% of said wildlife is made up of squirrels, but still.

One day I was eating lunch outside (before it became ridiculously hot) and a cute, inquisitive squirrel started to show interest in my lunch. Like many before me, I caved to the cuteness and shared a bit of apple.

Within 5 minutes, I have a veritable sea of birds and squirrels surrounding me, like some kind of riot squad. Squirrels were running up on the table, sitting on the book I was attempting to study, and demanding their fair share of what was rightfully mine. While I sat, feeling very conspicuous, I started noticing lots of people walking by in groups -new freshmen and their parents, touring the campus. Man of them began exclaiming things along the lines of 'Oh, look at all the squirrels!"and ''There are so many of them!" etc. I was drawing a crowd.

I felt like the Rodent Snow White. Squirrels and birds were covering every surface within 10 feet of me, jockeying for position. I quickly finished my lunch and ran indoors before they started crawling into my backpack. What if I accidentally carried a stowaway in to class? That seems like one of the things that would happen to me.

Several days later I was walking to class, when a squirrel that was 50 yards away suddenly sat straight up, zeroed in on me, and ran at me, stopping directly in my path. I stopped, stared at him, and he stared right back. He did a slow circle around me, gave me one last good stare, and then wandered off. I heard someone erupt into laughter, and looked up to see a couple looking at me and laughing.

The squirrels gave me a break for a week, probably to make me lower my guard so I wouldn't be ready for their assault. I was back outside, enjoying a food-like substance from Taco Bell, when out of nowhere, a pair of kamikaze squirrels ambushed my table. I scooped up the taco to protect it, and those little jerks grabbed both the crumpled wrapper and the plastic bag and ran right up a tree.

Dammit.

I couldn't just leave them to choke on the plastic, and I kind of felt like I was Littering Via Woodland Creature. So I had to stand under the tree, like an idiot, and watch them attempt to find any edible molecule on their precious haul. I would occasionally yell helpful things up at them like, ''It's not edible, you stupid idiots.'' I had to stand under them and wait for them to realize this little helpful fact themselves, and then I clambered up into the plant bed to fish their discards from the shrubbery. Of course, all of this to the sound of more laughter from entertained bystanders.

I'm eating inside from now on.