To Diet, or Not To Diet.........NOT, a Thousand Times Not.

Yes, I know. I was on a diet. No throwing stones, please. I can already hear the comments - "Why are you dieting?!" "You're so thin! You should be sitting down and eating a box of Ho-Hos, not carrots!"

Believe me, I would love nothing more than to do just that.

No, I have not come to Hawaii and gained 50 lbs either, in case you were wondering. I'm fairly thinnish- I'll admit it. However, a most of you know, I'm not the healthiest eater out there. If it's fried, covered in cheese and dipped in ranch, I don't care what it is - I'll eat it. David is not too fond of my lifetime goal of making sure that I die off before he does via clogged arteries, either. So, one day in Borders I found this book that was on sale (that should have been a clue right there) from a fairly prominent diet person, and I thought I'd try to eat a little healthier and lose a few pounds too. Why not? It was a detox diet - most people have heard of them. They involve a lot of cranberries and flax, I have discovered.

In an act of kindness, I timed the diet to coincide with a long business trip of David's so he wouldn't have to suffer through it as well. Lucky.

It was hell. I mean, really. Sweet mother, I had no idea food could be so unappetizing. Everything tasted like dirt. That's the thing about diets - they work because the food is so nasty, you have to push yourself to consume what is prescribed, much less overeating. I have never had so many vegetables in my life - or so many different kinds. Most of you know I am mildly picky - but there are certain foods that I really hate - such as onions. You had to eat a lot of onions on this plan. And Brussel sprouts, too. I tended to blend these items up as small as possible and revert back to my 5 year-old frame of mind - quickly take a bite and gulp it down with water, while making sure the tongue somehow never touches the offending food. It could have almost been funny, if I weren't working so hard to suppress my gag reflex. So, each day I after work I would trudge home to the kitchen, spend at least 3 HOURS making my dinner and then breakfast, 2 snacks, and lunch for the following day. Clean up, brush my teeth, and climb into my lonely bed, dejected. By the end of the week, my previous love of the kitchen had been replaced by loathing and apprehension. (What were they going to make me eat next!?) I think the worst part was somewhere around the 3rd day, when I started going into withdrawal.

Let me be clear - I obviously have no idea what real withdrawal is like. It is like most of us are lucky to be ignorant as to how much a bullet wound really hurts. We've all badly twisted an ankle - and it hurts - so a bullet wound must hurt a lot more, right? Our minds just can't quite grasp it, because we have no expereince with the true depth of that physical pain. So my withdrawal is kind of like that. In my world, it required great dedication and willpower - although I'm sure someone who has gone through the real thing would probably want to smack me upside the head. So just keep that in mind while I whine. I know I am. But this is currently my darkest withdrawal moment, so I'm going to milk it. What am I addicted to, pray tell?

SUGAR.

Good lord, I had no idea. I NEED it. That usual niggling in the back of your mind that wants sweets after dinner becomes an all-out desperate cry when you know you can't satisfy it. It kept me up. I couldn't stop thinking about them (sweets). I was irritable and impatient. It's probably a good thing David wasn't around. Of course, poor Paul and Courtney got the brunt of my bitching, as a side-effect. Sorry guys! You were champs - very sympathetic. Except for that time I was over at Courtney's house, lamenting in her kitchen, and right in the middle of my diatribe she decided to brightly point out that she had cupcakes and would like to eat one.

Must be passive aggressive hostility left over from childhood.

Paul was nice, anyway. In short, I spent around 6 days in various states of crazy as I got over the hump. I never would have guessed my previous lack of willpower would backlash in such a way.

This all climaxed with a day of fasting, during which, I must admit, I was never hungry. At least that part was true. It was weird though. Nothing but spiced-up cranberry juice every other hour and I was fine. Predictably, I lost 4 lbs on this day. Luckily, I just assumed I would gain it all back, so when I did there was not a 'good-bye, cruel world' moment. After that there was three more days of diet to ease you back into eating and 'lock in the results.' Ha.

Get rid of fatty toxins! Speed up metabolism! All of these catch phrases look good - they're snazzy, promising, and instantly make you dream of that new, better you - in just 12 days! Oh, I suffered through those twelve days. I think my favorite hook are the 'real life examples' in the book whom I have come to believe were just a figment of the author's schizophrenic delusions, because they can't be real. "If it worked for them.. ." Ha! In reality, Mary Jones from Jersey was probably a bit of indigestion. ("Sarah followed this plan exactly and lost 86 lbs!! While Mary did not and got constipated and run over by a bus. Tell 5 of your friends in 3 days or you will be eaten by a bologna sandwich.") While I did not mystically lose weight, I did at least gain a little perspective. It is amazing what we as a culture will accept just because we so ardently want to believe it is true. I like to think I'm somewhat intelligent - I stay away from pyramid schemes and the like. But my lazy, I-want-the-easy-way-out mentality completely bypasses reason and will accept any shred of evidence to confirm a secret wish I hope is true. Such as drastic, quick weight loss. And Pegasus. I'd like to think that Pegasus is real too - he's just hiding out in the Alps, right?

Even though I know that there really is no way to lose weight than to eat right and exercise. There just isn't. There is no imaginary ray that zaps fat. No diet that somehow causes your fat to evaporate out of your body while you sleep. No love handle migration pill (Damn it). You have to put in the time, effort, and willpower to make it happen. Like most things worth doing, you have to do it the hard way. People have been saying that cliché for years - of course, I am apparently someone who refuses knowledge gained by others and insists on experiencing it through my own failings. If I were mankind, we would still be in the Stone Age. Unfortunately, I'm apparently not alone. The dieting/weight loss industry must be billions of dollars annually. So many people, just like me, who don’t have the personality stamina to actually sit up and change our lifestyles, and we all want the magic solution to be real so badly, we waste our time and money trying to be the person on the screen whose results 'are not normal'. If even one of these things actually worked, then wouldn't all the others go out of business as everyone invested in the one that had results? I wear my blinders well.

On the positive side, I have learned a few things. For one, I had no idea that I derived so much of my happiness from food. It was my consolation, reward, and boredom alleviator. When people asked me what I wanted to do, I came to realize that I would usually involve food somwhere in my statement. Or that I would run errands with foods I normally couldn't get to in mind as a pit stop. (Taking David to the airport? Why not stop off at that breakfast place on the way back… oh wait. I can't bc they don't exclusively serve broccoli.) It is kind of hard putting food back in the place of just sustenance.

I also discovered that I actually do have willpower. I know that sounds dumb, but for me it is like a world of opportunities opened up. I can say 'no' and my head won't explode. My world won't come to an end. I DO have the strength to stick by my convictions. It isn't just a given that I'll cave at some point, or come up with a good reason why I shouldn't follow-through. It is one of my more serious personality flaws, and even a little victory gives me enough confidence to take it further. It's a new world.

So all in all, the diet didn't do much. It might have speeded up my metabolism a little bit - I have to eat more now to not have hunger pains. Mainly, I learned how to eat healthier. It's not all about caloric intake. And I like cauliflower! I actually enjoy it as a snack. Daikon, not so much. Or anchovies. gack. So just get out there and get some exersize. And say no to fried stuff. The only real way to make a difference is to actually work for it. How you feel about yourself is reward enough.

Of course, when it was all over the next day, I went to Outback Steakhouse and split an order of cheese fries the size of my head with David.

It was glorious.