The Wilderness is Too Wild for Me

This was 'Haleakala Day' in which we were supposed to see the majesty of the tall mountain. We spent most of the day driving up from Hana and then back towards the mountain and up a zillion switchbacks to see....

I'm looking off the top of the mountain onto the whole of Maui below! Can't you see it?!

A whole bunch of nothing. It was so cloudy the whole day, you could only see about 10 feet in front of your face before the clouds swallowed everything up. Thanks, weather!

You can go on horse back rides down the deserted side of the mountain, which I REALLY wanted to do, but in retrospect, I am so glad they were full. It would have been a total bust. These horses look pretty forlorn.
A pic just so we could remember where the heck we were.

The highlight of the trip came in an unlikely place - the bathroom.

I started cracking up right there in the stall. The other Japanese tourists in there with me cleared out real quick, just in case I was a crazy person.

I can't help but wonder what happened to prompt them to put up this sign. Is this an issue they have? Keeping the masses from drinking out of the toilet like dogs? Really? What kind of company has these signs in stock, anyway. Perhaps it is a silent mass-epidemic, people suddenly being seized with the need to drink from public toilets.

Local Flora

After a completely wasted day of driving and seeing nothing, we needed to head back down the mountain, over a bit, and then right back up to get to our extremely remote campsite. The road up that was paved was nearing vertical, and our car wheels would spin a bit and the corner of every switchback. We passed a sedan that had to turn around early on, full of laughing Japanese girls and a lone whitey. Then the road turned to mud. Mud 6,000 ft up. My palms were sweaty for the 20 minutes it took us to get to our campsite. David did some masterful driving along the stretch of hardly-used, insane dirt ledge that was passing for a road.

We got to our campsite, and I realized why it this spot was only $5 for a permit - no one else was going to come out here and check on you. Talk about desolate. But in a good way.

We had a couple hours until nightfall, and we had been sitting in the car ALL DAY - we wanted to go do something. Anything. There was a trail head at our campsite, and we figured if we hurried, we could do a quick loop that was a patchwork of a bunch of other trails. Maps, smaps. We'll figure it out with our Spidey Sense! Or Wilderness Wariness! Or something.

Trail Map!

So, we're going down the trail. Oops, we forgot to bring our flashlight. It's only 5 miles - we probably won't get caught in the dark......

It was very peaceful in the beginning - no outside sounds, only the forest. Since we were so high up, it was much less tropical and mush more forested. For the first time, I felt like I was on vacation - somewhere new and exciting.

As it turned out, we were somewhere very exciting.

We were walking on the path, and I was off taking a picture of something, when suddenly I heard what I took to be a boulder crashing down the mountain. I turned around to try to catch up with David for the umpteenth time, and I noticed that cathcing up was not going to be an issue, because he was coming back towards me with a weird look on his face.

'Did you hear that!?'

'What, the boulder?'

'That was NOT a boulder. It was large and black and had legs.'

At this point my brain is starting to point out just how far we are from civilization and medical attention. When there is a possible goring in your future, these things come up.

Here in Hawaii there really is practically nothing that can harm you. Chickens and mongoose are pretty much the largest mammals we have.

Except for the wild boars. They are taking over, and can get pretty big with a set of big matching tusks to complete the package. They kill a fair amount of dogs.

Anyway, David and I are busy staring at each other wide-eyed, listening to the thing crash through the bushes below us. Relief - I thought it was leaving.

Then it started screaming.

I feel pretty ok calling it screaming. I wish I had recorded it. Bouncing through the trees in the middle of nowhere, it sounded EXACTLY like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park. Seriously. It was loud and scary, and possibly about to eat me.

We could have turned around and gone back to the camp. But it felt like giving up. So, we elected to go forward, creeping quietly on down the trail. At this point David picks up a large stick? branch? Whatever. Something big and pokey. We shall call it his Boar Spear. Not wanting to be left out, I picked up a stick too, although on a much smaller scale. I'm not sure what I was planning to do with it - poke it in the eye? Whatever, I felt better with A Weapon. Ha.

So we creep down the trail, trying to pinpoint the boar. We can hear it moving, but it echoed off the trees, and it was hard to pinpoint where it was. Suddenly, as we rounded a bend, David pulled a 180 and started hauling ass back up the trail. As I listened, I could hear it pounding up the trail in front of us. David blew right past me, leaving me to the mercy of the supposedly angry boar. As I started running, I made a mental Woman's Note to give David hell about deserting me later.

With visions of David bleeding out from a puncture wound on his thigh, I ran up the trail a short distance, where I met back up with David and we had a pow-wow. What to do?! The boar had veered off the trail and left us alone. It was still doing it's weird screaming thing, freaking the crap out of me. Give up? Never! We spent about 15 minutes doing reconnaissance, creeping through the forest looking for higher ground to get a good look at our attacker. It was all clear, so we decided to carry on down the trail. Then suddenly, it jumped out right in front of us!

And it was a COW.

I proceeded to burst forth with some timely explicatives. What the hell is a herd of cows doing 6,000 ft up a mountain where there is little grass and definitely a premium on any kind of solid footing!? It's like someone crossed them with goats. Mountain Gows. I dropped my Weapon with disgust.

David practicing his Boar-slaying moves.

After the Big Reveal, the spear became a walking stick.

Now our only nemesis was time, and the darkness starting to creep through the forest. The rest of the trail was lovely - enough up and down to keep our hearts pumping, but without nearing leg failure. It was so green - it felt more like North Carolina than Hawaii.

If you can see, the 'Beware of Falling Trees' sign got knocked down by a bunch of trees. I found the irony wonderful.

Redwoods! In Hawaii!

Worst pictures ever. Can you believe these are the best ones!?

As darkness fell, so did the temperature. It got freaking cold really fast. We made it back to the campsite, and I basically climbed into my brand-new mummy sleeping bag and did not vacate the premises until David threatened to take down the tent with me in it the next morning.

Warm Tiffy = Happy Tiffy

We proceeded to feast via Costco chicken, and the best strawberries I've ever had in my life.

Then we proceeded to go to bed. At like 7:30.

When the sun goes down, options for fun become dramatically reduced. We were usually so bored when camping, we would just go to sleep not too long after it got dark. I felt like a farmer, or something.

In the darkness of night the silence was almost it's own force, pressing in on your ears. I'm not sure I've ever been in such absolute quiet. It was nuts, in a good way, and we drifted off to sleep.

But not for long.

I awoke to the sounds of quiet snuffling by my head. The real wild boars had found us, and they wanted in. It seems silly now, but I was mortified at the time. Scary wild beasts had come to eat me, and if one charged the tent, I was going to be at their mercy. My new, awesome mummy bag sealed me in tight - and I was not sure how to get out. I tried once before, and it took me like 10 minutes to manage it. I'm not sure if it was the face ties, or the draft collar, or one of the other many features that I had no idea what they did but they sounded cool, that were going to be the vehicle of my demise.

However, the pigs were soon scared away by some torrential rain. Hello, sogginess. Our tarp didn't quite cover the total base of our tent, so if you left things on the floor in certain parts of the tent, they would be soaked by morning. It was like Tent Roulette. That and 'Guess Where That Drip is Coming From', and 'Pobability of Being Gored' were the games of the evening.

And that's how it went. A cycle of rain followed by a cycle of pigs. Rinse and repeat. Literally. Sometimes, when a pig would get too close and nose at the tent, I would do this fish/body flop thing, and try to lurch over to the side of the tent to hit it and scare off the pig. It was less than effective. Much to my surprise, apparently, the pigs never did join us in the tent. It was a tired dawn.

In the light of day, we could see some serious issues: the entire bottom half of the door was left open, and I can't believe we didn't get any visitors. Also, a window was open, and so things on the right side of the tent were a little soggy. Such is camping.

Pouty David Face

So we packed up and headed back down the mountain. On the way, we passed this dude:

It's the Mountain Cow Godfather.

Anyway, escaping the remote areas of the island, we went to...

another remote area.

Ha. We were just there for a few hours, though. We'd heard that the snorkeling on the south end of the island past Wailea was off the hook, so we were so there. David had been on vacation for 2 WHOLE DAYS without getting in the water, and this was Unacceptable.

It was actually quite ugly. Sure, you can see the mountains rising in the distance, but it's the dry side so it's all scrubby. (I'm a nature snob now, remember?) The entire tip of the island we were standing on was black lava rock with some sad looking grasses attempting to make it. In other words, it was kinda desolate.

But who cares, cuz we were there for the sea anyways. And it did not disappoint. David and I left all the loser tourists who were sticking to the shoreline and struck out for the other side of the bay, which had been nicknamed 'the Aquarium'. Sounds good to me!

It was very nice - lots of fish and interesteing coral. After a while, I was turning into a Human Popsicle despite my attemps at some hard swimming to warm me up. So I got out and tried to beat some life back into my limbs while I waited for David to get bored.

David was without a buddy, so I was trying to keep an eye on him, just in case a shark nabbed him or something. I suppose the idea is that I would rush to his aid, but looking back, I'm honestly not sure what I could do - yell 'Go away, you mean shark'? Hit it on the nose? Grapple with it, find-to-hand? I think the only shark help I would be good for would be dragging his body from the ocean once the shark was done with him.

Sometimes I'm glad the ocean isn't next door anymore.

The snorkeling bebes

When looking for David, this is how I distinguish him from other divers - the constant diving down for a better look. That, or the insane spalshing he calls swimming.

Court, I know you're laughing right now.

David could still smoke us both in the water.

Please quit taking pictures and let me come out.

I'm totally rockin the one-piece. I'll take whatever measures I can to conserve heat.

Don't laugh - it helps.

After this we headed up to Wailea, which is apparently where rich people stay. All the shops around the malls are things like Tiffany's, Ralph Lauren, and Louis Vuitton. We were trying to find a place to eat that wouldn't cost more than our plane tickets - we turned around and headed a bit more south in search of street food.

After living in Hawaii, I love street food. I'll eat anythign served from a rusty bus or small cart. MMM.

Sorry, that had nothing to do with Maui.

Anyway, we found this great truck on the side of the road, and had some truly wonderful fish tacos. They had this pink sauce that was like..cream of salsa? I dunno. But I had to restrain myself from squirting it directly into my mouth.

Now that I had eated approx. 5 lbs of food, it was time to go to the beach and don the bikini! Of course it was. Somehow, we always time it that way. This still does not stop me from stuffing my face. Thank you Mom and Dad! There are some good genes in there with all the landmines.

We went to Big Beach, which turned out to be right next to a nude beach. See that rock abve? Climb over it, and you are in a swimsuit-free zone.

David went out for a swim, and I decided to sun and read a book, my favorite pastime combo. It was beautiful, and you can see Molokini in the background.

I was trying to watch out for David again, but as usual, he dissapeared at some point and I couldn't find him. Since this has happened approximately a million times before, I'm pretty laid back about the fact that my husband has dissaperared in the ocean. I tell myself that he is fine, and worrying isn't going to help. And he always is.

But somewhere between those moments of wondering and being reassured by his presence, I always muse to myself that What if? I play imaginary tapes of the conversation I'd have with the Coast Guard if David never showed up.

'When did you see him last?'

'Oh, about 2 hours ago...'

'What? You're just coming to us now!?'

'Well, I just figured he's be alright...'

David coming back - from a suspicious direction.

He actually didn't go on the beach, but he swam about 40 yards off. He said it looked like it was about 50-50 over there. I told him it was a good thing he didn't go up on the beach, or he'd be sleeping outside the tent that night.

We went back to the fish taco stand after the beach for some perfect sno cones. Nothing better when you're hot and sticky from the sea.

There is like a 3 hour gap while David and I drove up to Lahaina, and then promptly got lost trying to find the campground. It took for freaking ever.

When we finally did find it, were were less than impressed. All the camping spots were pretty close together, and there were definietly some long-term inhabitants in residence. But, they were freindly. People with less material goods tend to be pretty outgoing. There is possibly some algorythm that can be derived from this. However, it was right on the beach, so +5 for coolness.

Anyway, what really mattered is that there were SHOWERS.

Showers, people. I had not showered in days.

Most of you are kind of grossed out right now, but I challenge you to pour cold water from a hose on yourself when it's dark and the temperature is around 65, or 45 degrees; - as it was the 2nd night. Not worth it. I must say, it did change my outlook. I didn't want to go certain places, beacuse we were pretty scrubby and people would look at us like we didn't belong. And truthfully, I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt out of place and menial, just becuase of my apperance (and probably smell). I sholdn't have felt bad, becuase I had no where to shower- what was I supposed to do? But some sections of society definitely felt off-limits to me, especially around shiny tourist families who would look at us, then at our car that was packed with sleeping bags and overflowing with clothes, and immediately there would be a family herd away from us. Barely noticible, but there. I can't balme them - lots of people are homeless, and I'm sure they read about them in their guidebooks.

Anyway, I was excited about the showers.

The shower. I thought iwas pretty cute for a campground.

However, these showers had NO DOORS and the giant gap conviently can be seen from like 3 diffrernt campsites.

Scandalous!

So when I took a shower, I had David stand guard. He ended up saving me, although mainly because I hit my head on the midget-level showerhead and slipped on the tile, not because some old dude was trying to join me.

Anyway, after I showered I PUT ON MAKEUP. Ah, the transformation. I missed you, my little ego-boosting friend.

After that we headed into Lahaina, which is the main town by the huge strip of hotels that is the toursit destination for approx 70% of the people who come here. Thus, huge tourist trap. But, after being in the wilderness, we kind of enjoyed all the noise and bustle. We even got to eat a real meal.

Overlooking the main drag

I miss you, long hair. (But that series of unfortunate hair events is another post)

The harbor

There is this huge Banyan Tree that has been around approximately forver that takes up a whole city block. Ok, it was less than forver and more like 150 years or somthing, becuase they had a big party the next day for it's 'birthday'. It's cool, though.

On Fridays, the dozens of art galleries throw open their doors and invite even us non-trust fund people inside, luring us with free wine and snacks. Art + snacks? I'm there.

We had a good time, and I came across an artist that was so different, you just had to love him. His stuff was jsut so random, yet beautifully detailed, I spent a lot of time marvelling over his technique. I found his website, but it is a sad, sad representation of his work. You lose all the details and vibrant color that set him apart. Still, kind of interetsting if you're into it - see it here.

Afterward, I was ready for something sweet.

This is me, looking completely naked in an ice-cream store. The concept is a lot like the Pokey-Os here - you pick the ice cream, the cookies, and they make you a sandwich. Except these cookies were imported directly from heaven. I've never had anything like it. It was a perfect balance of subtle blending of flavors, and the perfect moist/chewiness. While David and I were in there devouring this bad boy, no less than 3 people asked the owners if they were interested in setting up franchises.

After that, it was late and we had to get to bed, becuase we were getting up at the crack of dawn to pack it up and head out for some scuba diving.

Mornings and I don't get along.

Now, there are no more pictures until around 5 pm, because I was busy alienating people.

We were doing a 2-tank dive, one in the crater at Molokini, and then a turtle dive, the latter of which which I was less than thrilled about, but everyone else was about to pop a collective aneuyrsm of joy, so whatever.

It was a nice group - around 20 people, with the necessary characters required for a dive:

• The foreigners, who are nice but have no idea what's going on most of the time


• The locals who make sure that everyone knows they are local, and thus, superior


• The Tommy Hilfiger couple, who are usually older and have badly dyed hair


• (I sound like an ass) but the fat person who spends the entire time walking around in their too-small wetsuit


• The older couple who are jovial, and automatically are everyone's grandparents. The woman is always wearing some kind of puff-paint shirt.

I added to the menagerie as 'crazy hairy person', since I didn't shave in the cold hours of morning. I spent most of my time being ashamed, as we were in tight quarters with these people, and there was no way they missed it. They probably though I was french or something.

So, I was relieved when we finally got to the dive site, and I could put on my wetsuit without beoming crazy boat member #4. (My wetsuit is borrowed, ok!?)

Anyway, my releif promptly did a 180, as I was suddenly freezing to death once I actually got in the water. I alawys enjoy diving with David - you peaceably float toegether underwater, nothing being said, enjoying God's undwerwater landscape. At least until you want to convey anything to the other person, at which time you must start flailing and making wierd hand gestures at the other person, trying to be understood.

It was cool, as always. Although, it really wasn't exctiing. In retrospect, I wish we dove the backside of the crater, which doesn't have much fish, but you can see something really large and cool sometimes. We did get to see a shark, so that was nice. They're pretty rare to see normally in Hawaiian waters, unless you're a surfer, and they're busy trying to eat you. Heads up, dude.

Once we got back on the boat, I was so cold my teeth were uncontrollably clacking together, disturbing other passengers. It was 30 minute boat ride to the other dive site, and it was possibly the most miserable I've been in a very long time. It felt like enternity. I never wamed up. I almost didn't get back in the water. Instead, I told the divemaster that I was probably going to head back to the boat early, and I'd come let her know. 2 other girls, emblodened by my complete lack of conern for the wussy factor, stated that they'd be coming in with me. We were freaking cold, people.

So, we went looking for turtles. And of course, we found some. They were huge. It was a perfect set up for the nice, yet slow, forgieners to make their move. We had been specifically told not to go anywhere near the turtles - it's against the law. It's possible they didn't understand the instructions, but they nodded along with everyone else, so I feel ok to thrash them here. So, the guy decided to go down and hold/dance/fight with one of the turtles. He did this several times, while wifey took pictures. I'm sure they didn't mean any harm, but it makes folks from Hawaii pretty steamed when you go messing with our turtles. I get mad, and I'm a newbie. I'm really not sure why - perhaps they put something in the water.

Thus, I can tell David's pissed, even though I can't see 2/3 of his face. I decide now is a good time to go to the boat. I was actually not the first one back, so I felt a little better. But the lack of people made me have no qualms about immediately stripping out of my wetsuit, climbing to the top deck, and LAWYING ON THE FLOOR to get maximum sunlight + the heat from the deck. As people started arriving, some would climb up the ladder to the deck, and as their head popped up, it would immediately be about 12 inches from my face, since I was lying on the floor.

''Hi!' (I was feeling much better as I got warmer)

They usually went back down.

I, for once, couldn't give a crap about what anyone else thought, and stayed up there, usually by myself, until we got back to the harbor. I'm not sure if it was the wierdness or the hairy legs that scared them off. When David found me he laughed, dissapeared for a second, and then came back with my lunch. Later he brought me a cookie, as he could tell I was not going anywhere. God bless that wonderful man.

So we made it back to the harbor, and promptly got on another boat, which was taking us to another island - Lanai. Our one day there was....quite a change of pace.