Placebo Parenthood

Lately, I have been thinking to myself that I needed to post some pictures of Lily, bc it has been a long time, and her cuteness should be shared with the world.


This was NOT what I had in mind.


There is a HOLE in my dog. She has been ventilated. Punctured. Perforated.


Among other things. Lately, our dog has been keeping us on our toes, trying to figure out what her next emergency is going to be. I find myself going to work tired, complaining because my dog was sick, and she kept me up all night.

I swear, one night she woke us up, scared, because of a nightmare.


I'm sure all you real parents are laughing at my extreme naivete, but right now I'm going to bask in my ignorance and pretend like real parenthood isn't a zillion times harder than this. So we're spending our time thumbing through medical books, debating on whether to call the vet, or self-treat. Wondering if another emergency room visit is in our future. That sort of thing. What I have figured out is that I'm one lousy parent once I'm asleep. Every time there is a 'Lily issue' it always manifests in the middle of the night, and it is always David who wakes up to her distress. If David wasn't around…… poor Lily. He wakes me up, of course, once he's figured out something is wrong. Then it's Vet-Tech Tiffy! Complete with medical reference!


So here is the fun we've been having the last month: A 2 am wake up, in which we discover our dog has become a dog-toad hybrid. She apparently broke out in hives from contact with something (?!) Who knows. David thinks it was something on the beach, and I vouch for the sno-cone syrup-covered asphalt in front of Matsumotos. The world may never know.

Unhappy/Drugged Lily

I couldn't decide which one showed up the best.

Not a square inch of her body escaped the hives

Then, she got ventilated by my sister's friend's dog. Apparently the dog was snappy? Would have been a good thing to know beforehand… The lady whose dog bit mine did feel really bad, even though they (my sister and she) DIDN'T NOTICE that my dog was bleeding everywhere and locked her in a room until we randomly came over. It's kind of our fault, bc we should have stayed over there longer to watch her. She's ok though, so no biggie. But It still kind of freaks me out that I can watch my dog's muscles work from a unique angle. I spent most of my weekend running around the house, repeatedly scaring the crap out of my dog by yelling and trying to get her to lay on her uninjured side. Apparently she enjoys leaving blood and such all over my apartment. You would think scratchy carpet fibers would not feel good inside your body.

I wish I had taken a pic right after it happened, instead of waiting a week. It used to look a lot more impressive.

Here's what woke me up at 2 am one morning that scared the hell out of me:

Mainly I was a wreck because Lily was obviously freaking out - nervous, skittish and very cuddly (she does that when she's in pain). For the life of me, I could not figure out what was wrong with her. She seemed fine…. after several horrifying minutes while my brain invented things that might be wrong (did I accidentally get hydrogen peroxide INSIDE her body cavity!?) I decided she had a nightmare.


Anyway, the fun continues. I don't know why my dog can't keep out of trouble. Heaven help me when I have actual kids who get hurt, are pitiful, AND can complain in English. (Ow!! Quit pouring that burning stuff on me!!) My kids are in for a rough time. The dog has shown me that hydrogen peroxide cures all. I'm like the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but with H2O2 instead of Windex.


My poor dog. She is taking after her mom in the scar department. At least David manages to keep himself in one piece.