Imminent Doom

It's time to reach back in the Vault of Yesteryear and entertain the masses with something I did about a year ago, as you will be able to tell from the pictures. Sadly, my sis and bro have not made it back out for a visit, because they are busy being Responsible People. I have been meaning to post this for a while - I was actually hanging on for dear life when I realized, 'this was going on the blog'. I have never posted, bc I have crap for pictures, but I have now given up on Courtney ever getting me her pretty ones, so here it is. I love her, but getting pictures out of Court is like trying to pry a penny out of Scrooge's hands.

On this particular Saturday, we decide to go on an Adventure. The plan was to rent kayaks and go see a small offshore island way up the east side. I was excited, because I love going places we don't normally trek out to, since they are so far away. In the future, I will ask more questions before I blindly agree to things.

I should have known from the start to be wary, as things got off on a good foot...barely. Ever frugal, we realized it was cheapest to take kayaks out ourselves instead of getting them delivered. However, after finally lashing them to the roof of the car, we had to stop. Paul was hungry.

Paul is ALWAYS hungry. It is amazing. Watching Paul has made me believe that I won't be able to support sons, and I have started praying for girls. The amount of food he consumes...there are no words.

Anyway, we in the process of pulling into the drive-thru when I suddenly sit and up scream 'WAIT!'

If you are my mom or Krysten Ivy, you are probably laughing because I started shouting instructions once before in a car, when I was 12 and thought we were all about to plunge to our deaths. Turns out, not so much. Mom never let me live this down. But I am finally vindicated, because this time I saved the car from some serious unfortunatedness. Apparently, due to his imminent starvation, Paul had completely forgotten about the kayaks on the roof, and we were no longer going to fit under the drive thru entrance bar. His car was about to become a tin can. Enter Tiffany's Fortuitous Warning. Ah ha ha ha! So I saved the day. Everyone was kind of surprised, including myself.

Such a cognizant thought is so unlikely coming from me, I have come to the conclusion that the Lord was watching out for us, and poked me in the head to alert everyone. Seriously.

It looks so small and innocent, doesn't it? Deception.

Disaster averted, we headed over to the island, which is called Chinaman's Hat. It was here that I barely survived Disaster #2, which was falling to my death. Oh yeah.

It started out innocently enough:
- Noodle arm workout, so by the time we had walked the 50 ft from the car to the beach with the kayak, I was done? Check.
- Kayak with David which required miscommunication and some yelling? Check
- Snorkeling in freezing ass water? Check.
- Almost twist ankle on rock/coral/air? Duh. Check.

Kayaking out to the island

It was at this point that I was feeling significantly outdoorsy, and I could shut myself inside with a book again and not feel guilty. In other words, Tiffy is ready for some Coldstone. (I LOVE Coldstone. Come to me, oh blessed Cake Batter, for you are the manna of heaven) Ahem. Anyway.

Hi Court and Paul!

So, my bubble of outdoor kumbayah was immediately popped by Court, who announced that we will be climbing to the top. Um, what? They went first, so we could watch the kayaks, and I could see if they would come back unmaimed. A hour later, they were back, looking thrilled and windswept. They were still alive, so I figured, 'How hard can it be? If my sister, of whom I have vivid memories of throwing a fit every time our family went hiking, could make it, so could I.' Sadly, my brain decided to omit the last 5 years, when Court went crazy and had a Personality Replacement, during which she switched majors to Park and Tourism Sciences, and actually had core classes called 'Kayaking I' and 'Backpacking Science'. Also, Paul has been raised outdoors, and David's been backpacking in the Oregon mountains, or something. Somewhere in the upper left part of the US, anyway.

So that leaves me.

Ankle Twister Extraordinaire.

I cannot describe the next 1? 2? hours. It felt like a century. Please note that I soon discovered there was no actual trail. BECAUSE SANE PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS. Apparently you just kind of aim for the top and start scrabbling. Please see the diagram below.

I am so pissed - I spent a while on this, and I can't even load it big enough to be legible! Arg!

If I wasn't focusing on sliding off the extreme incline, which was happily covered in thin, sandy gravel, I was worrying about losing my grip and falling off a cliff to my death. There was nothing but grasses for dozens of yards surrounding the final drop into the ocean, so if you ever fell - hello, breathing tube. This entire climb I was inwardly pissed, and if I made it off this rock, someone was going to die. Probably my sister. I am pretty cool with the outdoors in general; camping, getting dirty, not a problem. Inclines, well, that's another story.

As you can see, at some point you quit fighting gravity on slanted gravel, and start going straight up. Let me access my countless hours of climbing! Oh wait, I used to live in a flat state where I considered any ground swell over 5 ft tall to be a hill. Somehow, I scaled the cliff, with some helpful coaching from David; I could just follow where he was putting his hands/feet. However, this did not stop the fun mental images my mind was busy creating and playing in slow motion of slipping and falling to my death in fun and interesting ways.

We were nearing the top, thank God, when suddenly out of nowhere this guy climbs around the ridge next to us and cheerily says hello like we were meeting on the street or something instead of a slip away from imminent doom. I kind of watched slack-jawed as he bounded to the top like some crazed mountain goat. Whenever someone is doing something slightly questionable (outdoors-wise) out here, it is always a whitey. When I get to work and we talk about our weekends, I've invariably done something that causes my coworkers to all stop and look at me like I'm nuts. They say I make them feel bad, because in the year I've lived here I've been more places than they have, or to places that they've never even heard of. One of them remarked that he didn't even know that it was possible to climb to the top of Chinaman's Hat. What is it about us transplants? You very rarely catch Hawaiians up on crazy cliffs.

Look at this! Where are my grappling hooks!?

So by the time we got to the top, I was tapped out. The view was amazing - gorgeous and sunny, on a sparsely inhabited part of the island. Sadly, I was not fully enjoying it because I was busy informing David that the only way I was leaving was via helicopter. He kind of laughed, and then realized I was being serious, and it kind of warbled off into some odd giggles. Ha ha, David! Make the call.

I can't even fake a smile at this point. Nice grimace!

Eventually I realized that I was going to have to go down myself. The horror.

To make things super-fun, the rocks are black, just like all the other volcanic rock around here. Black + Sun = Scalding. Like center-of-a-hot-pocket hot. You know what I mean. But that didn't stop me - I was all over those rocks like a starving man on a Big Mac during my extremely slow decent to the steep incline area, which was looking better and better by the moment.

I have to take a break from whining for a moment and give a huge kudos to the husband, who was ridiculously encouraging and helpful as he showed me where to put my hands/feet on the way down. Even though he was probably screaming 'DEAR GOD WOMAN, MOVE YOUR ASS - MY GRANDMOTHER COULD CLIMB DOWN FASTER!' all I heard were sweet words and amazing levels of patience. So here's to you bebes - you talked me off the ledge.

Literally.

I eventually made it down alive, much to my surprise. I was seriously having visions of my mom attending my funeral. I'm sure she's glad to hear I'm doing things like this out here. Love you Mom!

I wish I had taken a few pictures of the hike, but pictures were the last thing on my mind at the moment. Once I jumped over the last hurdle (which took a minute to work up to) I was safe. Flat(ish) ground! I love thee! Now that it was over, I was all proud of myself, and decided to omit the parts in my memory where I was a big sissy, and patted myself on the back. I was a climbing stud!

As I started to calm down, I got really shaky because my body had been pumping adrenaline constantly for like an hour and half, and returning the the regularly scheduled program was kind of a drag. Also, I was starting to notice my hands felt funny. Ouch.

OW

OWOWOWOW (revert back to being a weenie)

I had been clinging a little too enthusiastically to the rocks for too long - I actually burned my hands and got blisters.

Which was a perfect excuse to go easy on the paddling back. Gotta find those silver lings where you can.

*UPDATE*

Apparently I need to call Court out in a public forum more often, because she sent me the pictures below today. Hoorah!

Kayak Gangstas? I'm really not quite sure what I'm doing here.

This picture makes my butt look big.

Taking on Nature

Foreshadowing of the fun to come




How did she even take this picture?

At least someone had a good time.

Sea Booger (Snail)

Sheep Insanity

This is quite possibly the best video I've ever seen. At least in a very long time.

Most of you have probably already seen this, but I am kind of behind the times - I have yet to jump on the texting bandwagon, which puts me in the Level of Coolness Scale right up next to my dolie-crocheting grandma.

That said, it does not diminish the awesomeness of this video, put togeth by men who have way to much time on their hands, or ran out of beer.

Red Velvet Sandwich Cookies

Let's be honest - you guys can really only read about beaches, hiking, and me somehow twisting my ankle so many times before complete boredom sets in. So, in an attempt to do something different and more entertaining, I've decided to have one food-related adventure week, and post about it. If you are like me, and apparently spend too many nights at home, I hope you try some of them!

I must admit, it will probably be mostly baking-centered, because that's just my thing. I'll try to branch out though. But no promises.

My first foray was into making these cute cake sandwiches - since I was making them for Vday, I originally was going to cut them into hearts...but an extremely messy, 30 minute search through my kitchen did not turn up the cutter, so - circles. Nice. Conviction is overrated.

What I love most about this idea is that it's so easy to do with so many different combos to try. Also, it's easy. Did I mention that? As a party bonus it uses a box mix, so I have a scapegoat in case it all goes south, and thus can keep my pride intact.

So. Combine all the ingredients into a bowl. And mix.

And Mix.

And go reread the directions, because it feels like your arm is about to fall off, and there is no way so little moisture could be used to incorporate all these dry ingredients. I was sure there had to be some kind of mistake. My arm muscles were threatening to cede the union. However, it eventually all does work out, so just hang in there.

look at those perfect little balls of cake. I feel like I should be wearing an apron or something.

I used an ice cream scoop to make sure that they were all uniform and would match up when done baking. That little gem came from an old roomate, Sarah Brundrett, who was Cookie Baker Extraordinaire. Se was always making these perfect chocolate chip cookies, which were just barely baked, and looked delish resting on the paper bags she cooled them on. Most people are surprised when I tell them I cannot bake a good cookie to save my life. I can never tell when that magic moment is when they are done enough to still be soft and not under baked, and so I always over bake a bit. I'm sure David wished that some of her cookie magic would rub off on me, but alas. Sorry dear.

Anyway, use a scoop.

After popping them out of the oven, I had a seriously difficult time not eating one. I may have succumbed to the temptation of their pillowy allure. Let's see you try to resist!

Super simple - after cooled, apply your filling of choice, and revel in your completed product, which is sure to draw admiration from friends and family. The possibilities are endless. German chocolate stuffed with carmel pecans and coconut, vanilla cake with strawberry mousse, Chocolate cake with Bailey's Cream filling. Dipped halfway in chocolate. MMM.

My brain is coming up with these things constantly. The Internet doesn't help either. And people wonder why I just can't stick to a diet. Fat tastes too good. I should just become a baker so I can be plump and it will be acceptable proof of the deliciousness of my goods.

I was feeling all proud of myself until I looked at these and thought, 'Son of a.... I think I just made Oreo Cakesters. Dammit.'

It kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Yet somehow, I still managed to worry them down.

Cake Sandwiches

• 1 Box cake mix
• 1/2 Cup butter, softened to room temperature
• 2 Eggs

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix ingredients until combined.
Drop spoonfuls of cookie batter onto baking sheet about two inches apart. Use a 1/2 inch scoop to make the balls - finished cookies will be around 3" wide.
Bake for 10-12 minutes.
Fill when completely cooled.

Makes about 24 cookies or 12 cookie sandwiches

Cream Cheese Filling*

• 1/2 Cup butter, softened to room temperature
• 1 8 oz. Package cream cheese, softened to room temperature1
• 1 lb. Box of confectioner's sugar
• 1 tsp Vanilla

In a mixer, cream butter, cream cheese and vanilla.
Gradually add sugar and mix until smooth.

*although you can use whatever you'd like instead.

Honolulu Culture - It Usually Involves Lots of Alochol

We keep doing random fun things in Honolulu, and since I never seem to take any decent pictures, I never get around to posting them. I have REALLY got to get over my embarrassment about being that dweeb with the camera. Anyway, here are some vignettes about our nights on the town; something is always happening. Hawaiians will use any excuse to shut down most of downtown and get wasted. It's kind of astounding. I have to call over to the mainland a lot because of my job, and they are always asking me odd things. Most recently, someone asked me if we celebrate St. Patrick's Day over here. In my head I was thinking, 'Sure, we bust out our best grass skirts and meet in the village square to dance under the moon' but my mouth said, "I'm sure they will close down part of the city for a block party.'' And I was right.

Anyway, here is a fun one - The Chinese New Year in Chinatown! David called and said some people from his office were going to go out, and I was floored. 'The accountants are going out!?' So we joined up with them for the New Year celebration. All the roads in Chinatown were closed, and the masses filled the streets. Lanterns and firecrackers were everywhere, along with the constant pounding of drums and seriously creepy dragons. There was a stage where kids and adults had mock fights with traditional weapons, and all kinds of crazy foods I was not brave enough to try. I kept trying to capture the atmosphere in pictures, but it proved impossible. The scale was just too large to fit in the frame.

Also, it was hella dark.

Here are the shots I did manage to get - I must say, in the sea of Asians, my height really did come in handy.




Here we all are at the restaurant, where other people did all the ordering, family-style, so I preceded to eat all kinds of weird things. Luckily, most of them were pretty good. I love eating out at ethnic places with people who know what to order. Although, what is up with this pic? It is highly possible that, since I see these people maybe twice a year, I was too shy and tried to sneak a picture in? More than likely I just bumped the camera and accidentally took a picture.

Look, a dragon! Yay!

David lost me quite a few times, as I would randomly stop and try to get a picture of one of these. They are always spinning and dancing around so fast, when combined with the massive crowds surrounding them, it is really hard to get a decent shot. It was fun though - each set of dragons (they are always in twos?) had their own ceremonial drummers.

adolescents. I watched them switch out with some other kids, and they looked HOT. It's probably pretty stuffy in one of those things.

I had to stop for quite some time and watch this little guy. He was less like a dragon, and more like….a worm. A really, really cute worm. The little kid in there couldn't have been older than 4. There was less dancing and more aimless wandering, but still….super cute. You can see the lady is feeding him an envelope - inside is some money, and wishes for a good year. It is basically an offering for good luck.

We were walking by a restaurant, and I saw this guy pushing his way through the tables. He looks like he's about to devour that old lady. Crazy!

I stopped and watched the ritual that basically every business was undergoing at some point during the night. The dragons would do some special dance facing the doors, and they would set off huge strings of fireworks that were hung from the sides of the roof and stretched all the way to the ground. Whenever they set them off, it sounded like a gang war was going on, and I would promptly go deaf for a few minutes. Considering this was happening at every store for like 10 blocks around us, it was a constant cacophony.


As it got darker, I started noticing that the dragon's eyes all lit up. They freaked me out.

After this, we did some bar hopping, of which I took NO pictures, because I am only a partial dork, which was evidenced by the fact I was wearing jeans instead of the hootchie wear the rest of the world was sporting. I constantly feel like a prude over here, because girls wear tight, short things with heels on everywhere. The Japanese girls even wear their heels on the BEACH. They are crazy about fashion, but that could be a whole different post.

We started at the Dragon Room, which was a cute, tiny over the street hole in the wall that was decorated appropriately for the occasion. Due to claustrophobia, we ended up at the neat bar that had a hidden outside room/bar area that was basically an open square with tons of bamboo to hide the concrete, and lots of comfy seating to hang out. Inside there was the requisite pounding bass music, but they had this huge wall that they were projecting National Geographic shows on? It was random. Maybe it's cool to watch polar bears and cheetahs while getting smashed. I have no idea. Probably because I'm too cheap to actually order enough drinks to ever get toasted. Ha. It was good to see the EY people, though.

This is Mardi Gras. Holy crap.

David and I decided to wander over after work, and see what was going on. Basically, it was people in crazy clothes, lots of bands, and tons of food stalls, which was my favorite part. I love eating from food stalls. I'm not sure why this is. We had some amazing tamales, and sausage and rice, which probably has a specific name, but I'm too lazy to look up. We wandered around, people watching and listening to the different bands, and then headed across the street to grab even more food at our fav spot on Aloha Tower, Gordon Biersch. They had a band, and somehow we managed to eat some more. There is no food challenge we will not rise to.


After that, we headed home. This particular night it was freaking cold, and so I was wearing my only sweater. I think there is some rule that you can't be out past a certain point at Mardi Gras if you're wearing a freaking sweater.

Lily Montage

It's been awhile since I have annyoingly procliamed my dog's Cutest Ever status, so here we go. Lily, in all her glory.

Queen of the Backseat

Hiding after she has been Very Bad.

This half of the couch belongs to her, and any toys she chooses to share it with.

The chair also falls under her domain

'You want to sit here? I don't know...'


'Wait, I'm too cute to evict.'

Sometimes she will share the couch with David. They will actually nap like this for hours.

At least until I wake them up taking pictures.

Vday

For posterity's sake, - Valentine's Day. Even though we don't go crazy on this holiday, I still feel the need to document it.

This year, David made me breakfast in bed, which is awesome, and means I'm going to get that egg in toast thing I love so much, but cannot seem to make for the life of me. I think that must have been the highlight, because I don't remember what else we did. David had planned a lovely picnic at the Fosters Botanical Garden, but the weather turned against us, so we couldn't make it. I was especially sad, because it turned out that he had gotten Brie, and I LOVE BRIE. I will do anything for it. I'm kind of sad that way.

He also got some bread, salami, strawberries and stuff, but... BRIE.

I also made something for the picnic, which I will show you later. Super fun.

The next day we went to this great restaurant that is in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the city. It is a hard feat to have mastered, but they did it. Inside was delightful - in addition to ridiculous amounts of food, there were rivers with saltwater fish and bridges, real vines hanging from the ceiling, and an amazing view of the ocean. It was a buffet, so we proceeded to eat as much as humanly possible. There was everything from eggs Benedict to sushi, crab legs, and chicken katsu, which you just cannot escape over here. I just don’t get it.

Also, it was run by some nice Japanese folks, so of course there was an ice cream machine - right next to the sushi chef. Awesome.

In conclusion - we ate until could no longer walk. The end.

Crazy Commercial

Do you remember in that one Top Chef blog (I'll be amazed if you do) I was like, what they heck is up with that commercial!? It still keeps me awake a night sometimes.

Well, I found it on the Internet! (of course) So now you can share in my perplexedness.

If that's a word.

It is now.

In Which I Have Way Too Much Fun Obamiconizing Things

I was having a slow day, and kind of went overboard with the Obamaize app. You can have your own fun here: http://obamiconme.pastemagazine.com/

This is what cupcakes are to me.




David, in all his manly glory


This is for my friend Josh - I couldn't fit 'By the power of Grayskull!" in the caption area.

Courtney and Paul with their now-useless snorkeling gear. How's the water in AR!?

Ok, this next one is totally not mine, but if you watch House, it's hilarious:

Love it.