Parents: The Death of Trust
Happy April Fool's Day, Everyone!
Even though there is a pretty good chance no one will look at this blog this week, much less today, I am going to delude myself and write a fun April Fool's Day story for my imaginary readers. Mainly because I'm on the phone with this Senior Citizen who will not stop telling me her medical sob story, even though I've told her I cannot help her maybe a 20 times, we are now on like the 5th iteration. So I know I have approximately 7 1/2 minutes to bang this story out.
First, I have to set this up. If you've known me for a long time, you know my Mom is kind of... eccentric. One of the things she used to be nuts about was making us eat healthy. I know, crazy! When I was a kid, for Christmas I would ask for a box of Rainbow Brite cereal, which I think had some sort of marshmallow bits in it, and therefore was Awesome. I knew I would never get it otherwise. Similarly, my sister once had to be picked up from a birthday party because someone offered her a chocolate chip cookie, and since she never heard of chocolate, she assumed somone was trying to make her eat bugs. She didn't stop screaming until Mom showed up.
So it's April 1st, 1986? Or something? Who knows. Somewhere around there. Anyway, Mom announces we are having hot dogs for dinner. Hot dogs?! I am so excited, I probably wet my Big Girl Pants or something. We NEVER get junk food. So, it was with much happy anticipation that I seated my trusting self at the dinner table that night. And there they were: the promised hot dogs. I picked mine up, admiring it's meaty glory, and closed my eyes, and, pretending I was on a sunny picninc in the park, took a big bite.
And nearly threw up.
Mom had painstakingly slit open each hot dog, and scooped out all the meat, leaving a meat....shell. Which she then filled with peanut butter and placed, slit side down, in the bun. I don't think you can grasp how exceedingly disgusting peanut butter meat shell dogs can be.
While Courtney and I are having a culinary fit, Mom was gleefully dancing around the kitchen, cackling and shouting, "April Fools!"
I don't think I ever trusted her in the same way again.
Even though there is a pretty good chance no one will look at this blog this week, much less today, I am going to delude myself and write a fun April Fool's Day story for my imaginary readers. Mainly because I'm on the phone with this Senior Citizen who will not stop telling me her medical sob story, even though I've told her I cannot help her maybe a 20 times, we are now on like the 5th iteration. So I know I have approximately 7 1/2 minutes to bang this story out.
First, I have to set this up. If you've known me for a long time, you know my Mom is kind of... eccentric. One of the things she used to be nuts about was making us eat healthy. I know, crazy! When I was a kid, for Christmas I would ask for a box of Rainbow Brite cereal, which I think had some sort of marshmallow bits in it, and therefore was Awesome. I knew I would never get it otherwise. Similarly, my sister once had to be picked up from a birthday party because someone offered her a chocolate chip cookie, and since she never heard of chocolate, she assumed somone was trying to make her eat bugs. She didn't stop screaming until Mom showed up.
So it's April 1st, 1986? Or something? Who knows. Somewhere around there. Anyway, Mom announces we are having hot dogs for dinner. Hot dogs?! I am so excited, I probably wet my Big Girl Pants or something. We NEVER get junk food. So, it was with much happy anticipation that I seated my trusting self at the dinner table that night. And there they were: the promised hot dogs. I picked mine up, admiring it's meaty glory, and closed my eyes, and, pretending I was on a sunny picninc in the park, took a big bite.
And nearly threw up.
Mom had painstakingly slit open each hot dog, and scooped out all the meat, leaving a meat....shell. Which she then filled with peanut butter and placed, slit side down, in the bun. I don't think you can grasp how exceedingly disgusting peanut butter meat shell dogs can be.
While Courtney and I are having a culinary fit, Mom was gleefully dancing around the kitchen, cackling and shouting, "April Fools!"
I don't think I ever trusted her in the same way again.
4 comments:
Holy crap, I SO remember that! Evil. Pure evil.
Tiff you should write a book with all your crazy childhood stories- the funny ones at least- so funny, especially when you wrote about wetting your "big girl pants"
Hilarious! but sad:(
Love ya,
This is so funny and sad at the same time. I feel for you and want to laugh simultaneously.
It is NOT sad!!! It was hilarious. My mom bored me to death. You don't know how lucky you had it.
P.S. Look out next April 1st, woosies.
Love,
Mom
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