Top Chef Finale! Or What the Hell Just Happened?
Some of you were asking where the Top Chef Finale post was, so – here it is. Although it is like 3 days later, so it is more like a post-live blogging blog. That, and I didn’t take notes, so all I remember is a sense of incredulity and yelling at the television a lot. SO! This should be interesting. Here we go!
8:00 – Last Week: New Orleans. We are teased with Jeff, then he goes away. Fabio gets the ax. Lots of Emeril, and amazingly the Bam! count is at 0. Carla wins because she puts love in every bite, and Stefan is an arrogant ass.
I find myself typing those words a lot in conjunction with Stefan on these posts.
Anyway, Final Contenders: Bug-Eyed Hootie Hoo, fairly useless guy from Colorado, Douchebag from Finland.
8:01 – I kind of missed the first few minutes, because I was watching Lost, and forgot all about the finale. Gasp! Wasn’t too worried, bc they will replay this thing maybe a million times. I assume there were lots of montages of the chefs mentally preparing themselves and looking serious. I join just in time to see Colicchio tell them to cook the best 3 course meal of their lives. Well, duh, dude. And that’s it. Kind of a lame start.
8:03 – Richard’s back! Yay! I loved that crazy dude. I hope he uses liquid nitrogen on something. I want at least one mad scientist item.
Also, two other people are back, and I have no idea who they are, bc I only started watching this show when we moved to Hawaii and finally got cable service.
Carla draws knives first, but ends up choosing her assistant last. Let’s hope this isn’t a trend.
Stefan picks Marcel, and calls him ‘kind of a twat’. I find this so funny, I must pause to laugh for a few minutes. Team Twat!
8:06 – Kitchen scramble. The fates are against Stefan, who misses out on the foie gras and the caviar, causing him to throw a manly fit. I am proud of Hosea for like 1 ½ seconds when he tells Stefan to suck it, but then I am once again disappointed as his kindergarten training kicks in and he offers to share. Hosea just wants to be loved.
8:07 – General cooking going on. Everyone about to pop a collective aneurysm.
8:08 – Why is Carla listening to someone who already lost?! Getting alarmed, here. And what the hell is sous vide?
8:09 – Fat Stefan is going on and on about sexy food. Stefan and sexy in the same sentence – I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Commercial – I don’t know what it is, but those Charles Schwab commercials with the animated painted look kind of freak me out. That last lady looks like her face was like ½ lips.
9:13 – One of those retarded 8 second interludes. Voodoo? What the crap. And what is up with Stefan’s fixation on Jaime? Dude, I’m guessing she’s still a lesbian – GET OVER IT. Also, he admits to using voodoo on Carla and Hosea, therefore descending into previously unmentioned levels of douchebaggery.
Commercial – Holy crap, I hope you saw the insane Doritos commercial where a flaming marshmallow sets all his friends on fire, until he meets a rug, and they fly of into the distance. Does this say chips and salsa to anyone? It says LSD to me.
8:05 – Twist! The contestants aren’t surprised, because they were not born yesterday. We all just want to know what it is.
They just have to add a dish, and someone is going to get stuck using alligator. They decide who works with what by searching for a baby baked in the king cake. Which I have never understood, by the way. Kind of creepy, New Orleans.
Anyway, Hosea gets it. Stefan is screwed. Hosea flaunts victory by talking like a baby, and is suddenly in the running for King Douche. Points for flicking off Stefan, though.
So Hosea has fish, Stefan has alligator, and Carla has crabs.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
9:20 – CARLA QUIT LISTENING TO CASEY. SHE’S MESSING UP THE LOVE, GIRL.
I am worried.
9:27 – People start wandering in to the dining room. I see Fabio! He looks a little pissed. Other foodies are obviously present, including a guy who David remarks, “looks like he should be on Highlander”.
Hosea, is that a pancake on an upside down shot glass? What the hell are you doing?
Ok, everyone loves it. I apparently do not have a future as a food critic.
9:29 – Stefan takes a moment to lay claim to the $100K, amid other assery. It’s a good thing he can actually cook, otherwise he would be a complete waste of space who takes up valuable air the rest of us could have been breathing.
9:30 – Carla! Sharing the love. Her non-Casey dish is awesome, and all love it. Hope.
Hosea’s looks like a fish blew up on a plate.
Ok, I’m missing the actual dishes, but each one is like 2 sentences long. Let’s see you pull that out of your ass after 3 days.
9:34 – I KNEW IT. DREAD. Carla’s Casey Dish is nasty, and loses soul points. All the judges immediately guess that Carla’s passive personality has got her in trouble again. This might be a hard lesson to learn, here.
Does anyone get the sense that even Marcel thinks that Stefan is kind of a douche? That’s rough.
Hosea flaunts his foie gras by having like 3 items on one plate be made of foie gras. Rocco is tired of foie. Everyone else thinks he’s a moron, although they don’t say it out loud. Gail rolls her eyes so hugely that they disappear entirely into the back of her skull and I worry for a minute about whether they’re making it back.
9:36 – Richard comes through for Hosea on his final dish, venison, and there are carbonated blackberries! Yes! I actually want to go to his restaurant, even though he gave it the disturbingly sucky name, Trail Blais, as a play on words of his own name. Ugh.
DISASTER IN THE KITCHEN. Carla’s soufflé failed. And whose idea was soufflé? CASEY. Who wanted to do a tart? CARLA. Who is good at making tart and pastry crust? CARLA.
The defense rests. I spent a few minutes yelling at Casey via my TV screen.
Stefan wisely comes out with a dessert, which kind of looks like a bunch of random stuff on a plate. What is up with him and lollipops? Fixation much?
9:40 – Judges Table. It looks like after having long episodes this whole season, the Finale will end on time. What?
Carla – Has to be out, and she knows it. So sad. Vacuum meat, bad. Soufflé, bad. Casey Fail.
Hosea – somehow screwed up just slicing fish. Otherwise, actually pretty good. I was about to climb into my TV to eat that venison.
Stefan – Decent, as usual. He stays in character and speaks over the judges. Sadly, I don’t think that will finish him off.
9:42 – ‘Why I deserve the title’-
Stefan – I am the shit, so I deserve it (Ok, there might be a little paraphrasing here) Also, apparently squab can double for an autobiography now.
Hosea – used like 30 different buzzwords for ‘delicious’ and ‘flavor’
Carla – break down. She’s got the love. Stefan is sympathy crying, trying to show that he has a soul after all. I just feel awkward, for some reason. But then again, I have to change the channel pretty often whenever I get embarrassed for a character on any show. This happens A LOT when I’m watching Michael on The Office.
*Weird Moment of Introspection* - I want Stefan to win! How odd. No one is more surprised than me. I guess I really don’t think that Hosea is the better chef, and that he deserves it. I’m kind of surprised he even made it.
9:50 Hootie hoo is out. And I am immediately disinterested.
Listening to the judges’ back-and-forth about Hosea and Stefan, I’m having a very hard time caring. I mean, a REALLY hard time. Hosea seems like he’s pulling ahead because the judges finally recognize that Stefan has no soul.
Essence of deliberations: Carla has the love. Hosea is slow but steady. Stefan is as bipolar as my mom.
Winner of Top Chef Season 5…..
HOLY SHIT, HOSEA!?
I don’t think anyone saw this coming. Fantasy Top Chef players are crying across the globe.
Yes, that actually exists. There’s a Facebook app for everything.
No, I didn’t play.
I suppose in the end Stefan’s karma came back to bite him in the ass.
There is a lot of yelling and arm-flailing going on by me right now. I think I might have even jumped out of my seat. David is looking like he is questioning my sanity at the moment.
Hosea wasn’t supposed to win! He is like the sideshow entertainment fodder for Stefan while the real chefs cook. Maybe he went home and really studied and worked hard for months to get better, but I didn’t see that. All I know is that 2 weeks ago he kind of sucked, and now suddenly he’s winning Top Chef? This has been a very unsatisfying finale, unlike season 4 where I was so worried that that mean spiky haired lady was going to win, but in the end Stephanie conquered all, as it should be.
I also may be mildly bitter, because David and I are trying to eat really healthy (read: nasty) and watching this show makes me want to go consume like 7000 calories. It depresses me to eat it, but there is no reason to force it upon you by proxy, so I’ll quit complaining.
My only remaining hope for this show is that Fabio wins the $10K for his sick mama and poop car.
8:00 – Last Week: New Orleans. We are teased with Jeff, then he goes away. Fabio gets the ax. Lots of Emeril, and amazingly the Bam! count is at 0. Carla wins because she puts love in every bite, and Stefan is an arrogant ass.
I find myself typing those words a lot in conjunction with Stefan on these posts.
Anyway, Final Contenders: Bug-Eyed Hootie Hoo, fairly useless guy from Colorado, Douchebag from Finland.
8:01 – I kind of missed the first few minutes, because I was watching Lost, and forgot all about the finale. Gasp! Wasn’t too worried, bc they will replay this thing maybe a million times. I assume there were lots of montages of the chefs mentally preparing themselves and looking serious. I join just in time to see Colicchio tell them to cook the best 3 course meal of their lives. Well, duh, dude. And that’s it. Kind of a lame start.
8:03 – Richard’s back! Yay! I loved that crazy dude. I hope he uses liquid nitrogen on something. I want at least one mad scientist item.
Also, two other people are back, and I have no idea who they are, bc I only started watching this show when we moved to Hawaii and finally got cable service.
Carla draws knives first, but ends up choosing her assistant last. Let’s hope this isn’t a trend.
Stefan picks Marcel, and calls him ‘kind of a twat’. I find this so funny, I must pause to laugh for a few minutes. Team Twat!
8:06 – Kitchen scramble. The fates are against Stefan, who misses out on the foie gras and the caviar, causing him to throw a manly fit. I am proud of Hosea for like 1 ½ seconds when he tells Stefan to suck it, but then I am once again disappointed as his kindergarten training kicks in and he offers to share. Hosea just wants to be loved.
8:07 – General cooking going on. Everyone about to pop a collective aneurysm.
8:08 – Why is Carla listening to someone who already lost?! Getting alarmed, here. And what the hell is sous vide?
8:09 – Fat Stefan is going on and on about sexy food. Stefan and sexy in the same sentence – I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Commercial – I don’t know what it is, but those Charles Schwab commercials with the animated painted look kind of freak me out. That last lady looks like her face was like ½ lips.
9:13 – One of those retarded 8 second interludes. Voodoo? What the crap. And what is up with Stefan’s fixation on Jaime? Dude, I’m guessing she’s still a lesbian – GET OVER IT. Also, he admits to using voodoo on Carla and Hosea, therefore descending into previously unmentioned levels of douchebaggery.
Commercial – Holy crap, I hope you saw the insane Doritos commercial where a flaming marshmallow sets all his friends on fire, until he meets a rug, and they fly of into the distance. Does this say chips and salsa to anyone? It says LSD to me.
8:05 – Twist! The contestants aren’t surprised, because they were not born yesterday. We all just want to know what it is.
They just have to add a dish, and someone is going to get stuck using alligator. They decide who works with what by searching for a baby baked in the king cake. Which I have never understood, by the way. Kind of creepy, New Orleans.
Anyway, Hosea gets it. Stefan is screwed. Hosea flaunts victory by talking like a baby, and is suddenly in the running for King Douche. Points for flicking off Stefan, though.
So Hosea has fish, Stefan has alligator, and Carla has crabs.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
9:20 – CARLA QUIT LISTENING TO CASEY. SHE’S MESSING UP THE LOVE, GIRL.
I am worried.
9:27 – People start wandering in to the dining room. I see Fabio! He looks a little pissed. Other foodies are obviously present, including a guy who David remarks, “looks like he should be on Highlander”.
Hosea, is that a pancake on an upside down shot glass? What the hell are you doing?
Ok, everyone loves it. I apparently do not have a future as a food critic.
9:29 – Stefan takes a moment to lay claim to the $100K, amid other assery. It’s a good thing he can actually cook, otherwise he would be a complete waste of space who takes up valuable air the rest of us could have been breathing.
9:30 – Carla! Sharing the love. Her non-Casey dish is awesome, and all love it. Hope.
Hosea’s looks like a fish blew up on a plate.
Ok, I’m missing the actual dishes, but each one is like 2 sentences long. Let’s see you pull that out of your ass after 3 days.
9:34 – I KNEW IT. DREAD. Carla’s Casey Dish is nasty, and loses soul points. All the judges immediately guess that Carla’s passive personality has got her in trouble again. This might be a hard lesson to learn, here.
Does anyone get the sense that even Marcel thinks that Stefan is kind of a douche? That’s rough.
Hosea flaunts his foie gras by having like 3 items on one plate be made of foie gras. Rocco is tired of foie. Everyone else thinks he’s a moron, although they don’t say it out loud. Gail rolls her eyes so hugely that they disappear entirely into the back of her skull and I worry for a minute about whether they’re making it back.
9:36 – Richard comes through for Hosea on his final dish, venison, and there are carbonated blackberries! Yes! I actually want to go to his restaurant, even though he gave it the disturbingly sucky name, Trail Blais, as a play on words of his own name. Ugh.
DISASTER IN THE KITCHEN. Carla’s soufflé failed. And whose idea was soufflé? CASEY. Who wanted to do a tart? CARLA. Who is good at making tart and pastry crust? CARLA.
The defense rests. I spent a few minutes yelling at Casey via my TV screen.
Stefan wisely comes out with a dessert, which kind of looks like a bunch of random stuff on a plate. What is up with him and lollipops? Fixation much?
9:40 – Judges Table. It looks like after having long episodes this whole season, the Finale will end on time. What?
Carla – Has to be out, and she knows it. So sad. Vacuum meat, bad. Soufflé, bad. Casey Fail.
Hosea – somehow screwed up just slicing fish. Otherwise, actually pretty good. I was about to climb into my TV to eat that venison.
Stefan – Decent, as usual. He stays in character and speaks over the judges. Sadly, I don’t think that will finish him off.
9:42 – ‘Why I deserve the title’-
Stefan – I am the shit, so I deserve it (Ok, there might be a little paraphrasing here) Also, apparently squab can double for an autobiography now.
Hosea – used like 30 different buzzwords for ‘delicious’ and ‘flavor’
Carla – break down. She’s got the love. Stefan is sympathy crying, trying to show that he has a soul after all. I just feel awkward, for some reason. But then again, I have to change the channel pretty often whenever I get embarrassed for a character on any show. This happens A LOT when I’m watching Michael on The Office.
*Weird Moment of Introspection* - I want Stefan to win! How odd. No one is more surprised than me. I guess I really don’t think that Hosea is the better chef, and that he deserves it. I’m kind of surprised he even made it.
9:50 Hootie hoo is out. And I am immediately disinterested.
Listening to the judges’ back-and-forth about Hosea and Stefan, I’m having a very hard time caring. I mean, a REALLY hard time. Hosea seems like he’s pulling ahead because the judges finally recognize that Stefan has no soul.
Essence of deliberations: Carla has the love. Hosea is slow but steady. Stefan is as bipolar as my mom.
Winner of Top Chef Season 5…..
HOLY SHIT, HOSEA!?
I don’t think anyone saw this coming. Fantasy Top Chef players are crying across the globe.
Yes, that actually exists. There’s a Facebook app for everything.
No, I didn’t play.
I suppose in the end Stefan’s karma came back to bite him in the ass.
There is a lot of yelling and arm-flailing going on by me right now. I think I might have even jumped out of my seat. David is looking like he is questioning my sanity at the moment.
Hosea wasn’t supposed to win! He is like the sideshow entertainment fodder for Stefan while the real chefs cook. Maybe he went home and really studied and worked hard for months to get better, but I didn’t see that. All I know is that 2 weeks ago he kind of sucked, and now suddenly he’s winning Top Chef? This has been a very unsatisfying finale, unlike season 4 where I was so worried that that mean spiky haired lady was going to win, but in the end Stephanie conquered all, as it should be.
I also may be mildly bitter, because David and I are trying to eat really healthy (read: nasty) and watching this show makes me want to go consume like 7000 calories. It depresses me to eat it, but there is no reason to force it upon you by proxy, so I’ll quit complaining.
My only remaining hope for this show is that Fabio wins the $10K for his sick mama and poop car.
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