Top Chef Liveblogging, for no particular reason

Top Chef is the only show that I actually strive to make a couch date with each week. This usually works out, because poor David is working his booty off, and doesn’t get home until sometime between 10:30 -1:00 on weeknights. This week it is the finale, so I’ve had time to get into the contestants, and have formed highly subjective opinions about everything, which, so far, have only been heard by my dog. SO! To amuse myself, I thought I’d post my thoughts while watching the show. I’d be just like you were sitting on the couch right next to me! Which, I’m sure, is your heart’s desire. I figured the Internet could always use more mindless opinions forced on the masses, so here we go!

8:00: Last week: A morbid episode where they cooked final meals for famous foodies. The whole thing was in such soft focus to hide their wrinkles, I felt like I was watching a soap opera. On a high note, Stefan screwed the pooch, and Leah was finally FINALLY seen as the culinary bonehead she is. Bye Leah!

So, New Orleans! There is much talking about the ‘Spirit of the Food’, but that is one of those things where people say cool sounding words, and everyone nods because they don’t want to be the one shmuck who doesn’t get it. I don’t get it.

Carla is doing some serious high-stepping through the airport. I love that crazy girl. Where is her ‘fro? Whatevs, she looks good.

8:02: Hosea could kill himself for not coming to visit earlier. If only.

FABIO has a Mohawk! Holy crap!

8:03: Stefan is being an arrogant ass, as usual. And is looking a bit more…insulated than the last time we saw him.

8:05: Surprise! Emeril is the guest judge! In New Orleans! I’m pretty sure a blind person could see that one coming.

8:06: QUICKFIRE! No actual cooking will be going on. What?

WHY IS LEAH BACK?! I’m not even sure how she made it as far as she did; she never seemed to actually know what she was doing until she was finished. On the plus side, Mr. Hotness, Jeff, is back. Also Top Scallops Jamie is here, and apparently is about the throw up. Who says stuff like that on national television?

So, basically whoever wins this will get a chance to make it to the finals. The final 4 are pissed. I can’t say I blame them.

8:08: Challenge ingredient: crawfish. Amazingly, Leah has no idea what to do.

8:10: Stefan proclaims Leah to be a ‘good chef’ which is the kiss of death.

8:11: Jeff finally makes just one dish, hallelujah, beating back his culinary ADD. His crawfish and grits beat out Leah’s crawfish 'soup', which I’m sure fooled Emeril, and Jaime’s Creole Eggs Benedict.

8:18: Chefs are all at Emeril’s restaurant for dinner. I wonder if any of them can actually enjoy it, or if they’re worried Padma’s about to jump out and make them draw knives.

8:19: FABIO loves his sick mama, and therefore must win Top Chef.

8:20 Stefan descends into more douchebaggery, and tries to bait Hosea, which, honestly, isn’t that hard.

Giant warehouse of creepy Mardi Gras floats = terrifying.

The chefs are going to cater a masquerade ball, and must create 2 dishes and 1 cocktail. Everyone looks pensive, except Carla, who is beaming like she just took some methamphetamine.

8:23: The winner gets a car! FABIO has a ‘poop’ car, and therefore must win Top Chef. I am sensing a trend here. He’s just short one crippled child for his pity party ensemble. It’s a good thing I love him and his accent; and he has the best quotes ever. ‘It’s Top Chef, not Top Scallop’. Ha! It still makes me laugh

8:27: For 30 seconds the show comes back on to show them exchanging lame stories about Halloween, for whatever reason, and then goes back to commercial. What the heck? I freaking hate that, it makes me think I’ve missed a big chunk of the show.

8:28: If I have to see one more commercial for that High School Reunion show, I’m going to gouge my eyes out.

8:30: They are all now cooking in Emeril’s kitchen, which has all kinds of crazy stuff. Turtle! Someone don’t be a pansy and use it.

8:32: Hosea tries to channel Stefan and give Jeff some shit, but it just bounces right off his wind-swept coif. Maybe that’s why Hosea’s such an easy target, with his shiny cue ball head.
8:34: Battle Gumbo: Hosea vs. Stefan.

8:36: Colicchio walks through the kitchen, checking in on everyone. He deems Stefan ‘cocky’ like this is news to anyone. Too many references to Stefan’s jerky attitude. Foreshadowing much?

Why is FABIO shaking a food processor like maracas?

8:39: MacGyver reference! We love you, dark horse Carla. Good luck shucking those 100 oysters.

Now that them song from SNL’s ‘McGruber’ is stuck in my head. Arg.

8:41: Carla! Attitude! May her rage help her pry the hell out of those oysters.

8:45: Beautiful people of the ball arrive. Padma looks amazing. How do they get her hair to do that!? I kind of hate her and her personal stylist just a little bit. Also my genes.

8:47: Jeff comes off well with his oysters and cucumber mojito, which I would never order, but I also like grilled cheese made from Kraft squares, so I’m not the most refined palate.

Stefan is ‘not going home on a freaking gumbo.’ We shall see.

Carla is spreading her refreshing love to the crowd, and for some reason, getting a lot of ‘hootie hoo’s. Which I don’t get, probably because I’m super-white.

8:50: Hosea is finally redeeming himself, cooking fish well for the first time, even though he works in a seafood restaurant back home. Looks like someone hit the books. Although, the goof almost ran out of food before the judges got there. Good planning, dude.

8:51: Stefan thinks he kicked ass. Shocking!

FABIO’s neck must be breaking under all those beads. Apparently I’m not the only one who likes the accent.

8:53: Commercials: CLOROX! Can fix everything! Baby bottles! Flowers! World hunger!

I’m having a girly moment, and really want to see that movie, ‘He’s just not that in to you’

Why do you tempt me with your free salad and breadsticks, Olive Garden? Is Hawaii too good for you or something!?

8:56: JUDGES TABLE
Jeff – awesome. I’m not partial or anything.
FABIO is a man after my own heart with the sweet-tooth thing, but the judges are not impressed. He’s on shaky ground.

Stefan doesn’t stress, because he’s 36. Apparently, that’s the age at which we get to stop worrying about things. Nine years to go! Also, he gives attitude to the judges! When will these people realize that that is NEVER a good idea? I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Carla picks up on Colicchio’s usual harbinger of doom question ‘Did you like your dish?’ and starts to criticize herself, but is interrupted and told that she rocks. That Colicchio loves to play with their little stressed out heads.

Hosea – pretty good. Gumbo King.

9:00: DELIBERATION

The European Union might be out. I will sacrifice FABIO if it means Stefan goes home too.

9:05: Winner: Carla! The bug eyes finally make an appearance as she goes up to get her car keys. Also, some insane giggling. But she earned it. You go, girl! Hootie Hoo! Or something.

Jeff was great and earned himself the #2, which means bupkus. He is going home. He ends on a good note, and gets bonus points for subtly throwing Stefan and his stolen sausage under the bus. Nice.

Hosea is safe. He somehow manages not to run up to Stefan and go ‘Nyuh nyuh!’ as he leaves.

9:10: Now it’s between FABIO and Stefan

STEFAN STEFAN STEFAN STEFAN STEFAN STEFAN STEFAN STEFAN

What is with all the dramatic music? Just TELL US already!

NO!!

FABIO is going home.

SIGH

So we are still stuck with Stefan the Big-Headed. I always knew he would make it, but was hoping otherwise. I’m calling shenanigans on this one.

NEXT WEEK: ACTUAL FINALE.